September 2, 2010

Forget ASBO Britain, it’s ASBO Britney

It’s been a while since The Nether Regions tackled the subject of harmless old men bearing their thighs for lucky members of the public. Dirty old men, how we have missed you.

Northampton Chronicle, 2 February 2010 (story):

‘Britney Spears’ cross-dresser charged with breaking ASBO banning him from wearing schoolgirl outfit in public

A cross-dresser has appeared in court charged with breaching an anti-social behaviour  order which bans him from loitering outside primary schools in Northampton wearing a Britney Spears-style schoolgirl uniform.

Peter Trigger, aged 60, of Farndon Close in Thorplands, was barred from baring his legs in public during the school run under the terms of his five-year ASBO, which was imposed by magistrates in December 2008.

Parents walking with their children to nearby Woodvale Primary School had claimed Trigger had bent over, shown his bare thighs and indicated he was wearing no underwear.

He is banned from wearing a skirt or showing bare legs on a school day between 8.30am and 10am and between 2.45pm and 4pm.

When the initial order was made, Northampton Borough Council said he was entitled to wear whatever he wanted, but not if it caused “alarm or distress” to the public.

My alarm or distress is killing me… and I, I must confess…

He’s definitely still more sane than the real Britney, mind you.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Celebs in the 'hood, Stalkers

August 31, 2010

Man tried to rob supermarket armed with a fork

How to really make a meal of attempted robbery…

Grimsby Telegraph, 20 July 2010 (story):

Man tried to rob Grimsby supermarket armed with a fork

A GRIMSBY man used a fork in an attempt to rob a Grimsby supermarket, but left empty handed.

Grimsby Crown Court heard Stewart Williamson, 29, went into the Somerfield store on November 26, last year, armed with a fork.

He approached staff member Sophie Foster, but when she informed him she couldn’t open the till, he said “I will stab you” and threatened other members of staff before leaving empty handed.

If he left empty handed, then presumably it means he dropped the fork. This goes criminally unmentioned.

All in all, this was a highly ambitious plot. I find it hard enough to use a fork to twirl spaghetti, let alone rob a Somerfield.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Sensational headlines

August 27, 2010

Let the people speak

A couple of hugely enlightening polls from the local papers.

Blackpool Gazette:

Reading Post:

Thanks to Mark Palmer and Ellie.

1 Comment

Filed under Polls

August 25, 2010

Police are keen to hear from anyone who may be missing a pet monkey

This week in deepest Lincolnshire… is it a squirrell? Is it a monkey? No, it’s just members of the local constabulary managing to trick a newspaper into publishing a police in-joke.

Louth Leader, 13 August 2010 (story):

Monkey spotted running wild near Louth

A POLICEMAN has spotted a monkey running wild near Louth.

PC Paul French, a Neighbour Response Officer from Louth, was on duty travelling along Mill Hill Way in South Cockerington on his way back to Louth Police Station shortly after 11.30am this morning when a monkey ran out into the road in front of the Police car.

“I thought it was a squirrel at first,” explained PC French. “It was a similar size but was dark brown in colour and had a long, straight, upright tail. It paused for a moment standing on its hind legs, looked at me, then scampered off over the hedge”.

Despite searching for the animal, PC French did not get any further sightings of it.

Police are now keen to hear from anyone who may be missing a pet monkey.

I bet they’ll have had a laugh about this back at the station.

The saga rumbles on…

Louth Leader, 25 August 2010 (story):

Second sighting for monkey

THE MYSTERY monkey that was spotted down a quiet country lane in South Cockerington has been spotted again.

This time by another police officer, PC Ian Garrick, who saw the creature in the same location on Sunday August 15.

Police are still appealing for anyone to come forward to report a missing monkey which is described as being a similar size to a squirrel, dark brown in colour and having a long straight upright tail.

This description inexplicably fails to mention that the monkey is only visible to police officers.

Show me the monkey.

2 Comments

Filed under Utter bullshit

August 23, 2010

A timetable for bus withdrawal

You wait ages for a news story about bus timetable uproar, and then two come along at once.

Just look at these ANGRY seething raging locals in Scotland, with their arms folded like an evil troupe of school dinnerladies:

Barrhead News, 26 may 2010 (story):

Bus passengers hit out at bus firm

ANGRY residents are seething at the latest changes to Barrhead’s bus timetable.

Raging locals are fighting back against Arriva after the company cut the number of service stops in Auchenback.

The number three route now loops around the area instead of visiting all the streets and users claim that the cutbacks are causing big problems. [...]

Local woman Rita Connelly is also looking for answers: “They never consulted with us. We are the eye of the community and they never contacted us at all and they should have.”

The eye of the community? That’s a bit of an egocentric statement from Rita… doesn’t she realise there is no ‘I’ in community?

Oh wait, there is actually. Sorry.

More hitting out at and blasting bus timetables changes here. This time in Bloody Bournemouth.

Bournemouth Echo, 7 June 2010 (story):

Dorset bus user blasts timetable changes

A SHOP worker fears she may lose her job because of a “pointless” timetable change that will give her just 60 seconds to change buses.

She used to have around six minutes to spare between the two connecting services but, since Sunday, her first bus now leaves slightly later, leaving her with just one minute to change buses.

“I’ve got no chance of getting a comfortable connection,” she said. “I will be on a wing and a prayer as to whether I can make my 8am start at work.”

If she’s got a wing and a prayer to get about with then, frankly, I don’t know why she’s bothering with the 4a bus.

I wonder if this is too small an issue to bother the Prime Minister about?

“I didn’t know where to turn and I am livid about the situation so I decided to go right to the top and write to David Cameron. This is a serious issue now, it affects people’s lives.”

Well that’s that question answered.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Consumer rights, Heartless bastards

August 17, 2010

The benefit of hand-sight

The regional media is happy to take its lead from the right wing national gutter press when it comes to scare stories about benefits.

The Bolton News has exhaustively covered the story of Terry Langford, 62, non-cripple, who was recently prosecuted for falsely claiming disability benefits in relation to arthritis. The prosecution was thanks to secret footage of him happily refereeing junior football matches, despite supposedly having awful arthritis affecting his hands, hips, knees and feet (which sounds like an arthritic version of ‘Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’).

But don’t worry, Britain, the authorities have given him a slap on the wrist now. Although that’s probably the last thing he needed, really, given his condition.

The Bolton News, 31 July 2010 (story):

Whistle blown on benefits cheat referee

A DISABLED man who claimed he was crippled with arthritis was exposed as a benefits cheat — when he was spotted refereeing football matches.

Terry Langford, aged 62, of Corranstone Close, Horwich, got the highest level of allowance and was also receiving care because he said he was unable to cook or dress himself.

But yesterday, a video was played to a court which showed him:

  • Kicking a football while officiating a game
  • Running up and down the pitch to keep up with players
  • Ducking under a fence when making his way on to the pitch
  • Bending over to collect his possessions at the end of a game.

Bending over to collect his possessions… what an utter, utter bastard.

Joanne Tang, prosecuting on behalf of the Department for Work and Pensions, said: “Video footage was taken of him when he was refereeing and he was seen walking 100 yards from one end of the pitch to the other, and jogging and keeping up with play. He was able to stop, start, swivel and turn.”

Walking 100 yards, stopping, starting, swivelling and turning… what an utter, utter bastard.

Video footage also shows Langford stopping to issue a yellow card.

Stopping to issue a yellow card… what an utter, etc.

Marvellously, the link to the story features the damning video footage in extended form, clearly showing this bent ref AMBLING around his car in a painfully slow manner. He’s happy while YOU PAY TAXES for him to POTTER ABOUT.

Thankfully, The Bolton News eventually had the decency to allow Brave Terry to publish his side of the story, replete with a wonderful picture leaving the reader in no doubt about his arthritic hands.

Click to enlarge

Quite a heartbreaking tale, actually. The man was dosing up on painkillers just to make it bearable to do something other than sit still. But oh no… The Bolton News wants its pound of flesh.

Thanks to serial benefit fraudster Matt Kilsby for the story.

1 Comment

Filed under Heartless bastards, Moral outrage, Utter bullshit

August 12, 2010

Sheep thrills

Local papers short on material simply love it when there’s a semi-humorous angle to what would otherwise be a tedious everyday occurrence, e.g. one person having their sleep disturbed.

Surrey Comet, 27 July 2010 (story):

Lost sheep wakes Worcester Park resident

While some people trying counting sheep as way of falling asleep, one Worcester Park resident was awoken by an errant ewe wandering through her street.

Michelle Williams was woken at 1am on Sunday night to the sound of bleating in her front garden in Clarkes Avenue.

Dressed in their night clothes, Mrs Williams, 45, and daughter, Jayde, 24, ventured out and tried to lure the sheep towards their home – without a great deal of success.

But Jayde came up with the ingenious idea of recording the sheep bleating on her iphone and then replaying the recording to the animal.

Hearing what it thought was another sheep, the woolly-wanderer finally followed them through the gate at the back of their house and safely into their back garden.

I’m sure there’s a word for this kind of behaviour. Shame on the Surrey Comet for (a) advocating it and (b) publishing tips on how to achieve it.

Some wonderful detail here though:

The sheep even had a slap-up breakfast of bread and shreddies before making friends with the family’s two-year-old pet French Bulldog called Rocky.

Jayde said: “They’ve been touching noses.”

1 Comment

Filed under Getting oneself in the paper, Utter bullshit

August 9, 2010

Important luncheon club update

Whilst waiting for a train connection at York railway station the other day, I pounced on the opportunity to purchase a copy of the Gazette & Herald,  self-proclaimed as “Ryedale’s biggest selling weekly newspaper”.

It turns out it has one of those wonderful sections which details the social minutiae of parochial life, divided by village. Some of the villages have incredible names, such as Brompton By Sawdon and, my favourite, Huttons Ambo.

If you want to know who made the picnic, whose wheelchairs were pushed by whom and the scores from the local bridge club, look no further than the Gazette & Herald.

This stuff is genuinely printed for wider consumption.

5 Comments

Filed under Community spirit, Widows

August 6, 2010

TODDLERS have been left in tears…

Yet more upset children blighting the news. But this time it’s about ‘TODDLERS’, a word which is so much more emotive and heart-rending when appearing in capital letters.

Exeter Express & Echo, 21 July 2010 (story):

Children distraught after playground equipment is stolen from garden

TODDLERS have been left in tears after thieves stole their prized monkey bars from an Exeter front garden.

Joanne Grimshaw, 39, a registered childminder in Shakespeare Road, Wonford, had to comfort her son, three-year-old Samuel, and three other under-fives who she looks after when the theft was discovered.

Joanne said: “I cannot understand how someone could do such a thing. It has left the children very upset.

“Samuel could only cry ‘monkey bars gone’ when he peered out of the window and saw what had happened.

“It was a dome-like structure that took me more than an hour to assemble — although it said on the box it would take only 20 minutes.

“I hope it has not gone far and perhaps it has been taken away by youngsters who just want to play with it.

“It happened over Saturday night and Sunday morning and I just hope we can get them back soon for the sake of the children.”

Won’t somebody think of the sake of the children? FFS.

It’s wonderful that she gets in a quick moan about the length of time it took her to assemble the monkey bars. An hour to assemble… one minute to steal. There is no justice.

Thanks to Jo Clarke.

4 Comments

Filed under Heartless bastards

August 2, 2010

Taxing questions

Welcome to the aptly named town of Mytholmroyd, near Halifax, where primary school playground myths and irrational schoolgirl fears about taxation are worthy of news coverage.

Halifax Courier, 9 July 2010 (story):

Nine-year-old Anna’s second letter to PM

A NINE-YEAR-OLD girl is penning a scathing second letter to the Prime Minister after he dodged her question on taxes.

Anna Carnochan, from Mytholmroyd, was less than impressed with David Cameron’s response after she wrote to him about her fears that he was about to tax toys. Mr Cameron’s reply thanked her for her letter and wished her well – but skirted the issue in true politician style.

Anna said: “He didn’t answer my questions. But I’m going to write again and say you didn’t answer my questions and please answer.”

Anna put pen to paper after a friend told her there were plans to tax toys.

“She said they were going to put taxes on toys and seeing as it’s not Christmas or my birthday, and I only get £2 a week, it’s hard to save,” she said.

On one hand, it’s easy to sympathise with Anna’s fears because she probably knows the Tories despise ordinary people and adore regressive tax measures which punish the most needy in society. On the other hand, it appears she is disturbingly monarchist and driven only by downright selfishness. I just don’t know what to think anymore.

Her letter, which was read out in a school assembly, said: “Dear Mr Cameron, I’m not glad we have to pay our taxes out of toys because children my age, 9, have to pay out of our pocket money.

“I have thought of two ways of solving this problem: Get all rich people to pay triple what we have – except the Queen – and only pay taxes on food and grown-uppy things. From Anna Carnochan. PS: Please do not make us pay taxes on sweets and chocolates.”

Is this what we mean when we say we want our young people to engage with politics? Bollocks to that.

1 Comment

Filed under Consumer rights, Getting oneself in the paper

July 29, 2010

Pavement people

Old people are quick to sneer at youths riding bikes down pavements but, as this story goes to show, they’re no better when it comes to keeping pedestrian areas clear. And they certainly don’t like it up ‘em.

Surrey Comet, 29 May 2010 (st0ry):

Bakery bust up angers elderly

Fed up residents have formed a chorus of dissent against Kingston Council’s decision to charge a bakery for providing a popular social spot for Old Malden’s disabled and elderly people.

Last week, the Plough Bakery in Malden Road was visited by council staff who demanded it remove external tables and chairs, used by many elderly and disabled residents who claimed they had nowhere else to socialise.

Top marks to the Surrey Comet for expertly shoehorning a walking stick, wicker shopping basket, carrier bag and TWO mobility scooters into one photo. Not to mention what appears to be a bullet-proof vest and Fedora hat combo sported by the scooter occupant on the left… incredible scenes.

If you ever need anything clamping down on (e.g. insecure ladders, illegally parked cars, endemic prostitution), it sounds like Kingston Council are up to the job:

Councillor David Fraser said: “Have you ever heard such rubbish in all your life? It’s health and safety gone crazy but that’s Kingston Council for you. They clamp down on anything.

“I talked to a blind chap called Charlie who was in tears about the whole thing. As a social worker I think they should be ashamed of themselves.”

A reference to blind people in tears equates to emotional blackmail on an unashamedly grand scale. Kingston Council – for the love of God, reverse this decision. Reverse it now.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Council hatred, Health & safety gone mad, Heartless bastards

July 26, 2010

Mattress misery

Some couples might feel embarrassed to find they get through more mattresses than the average porn studio, but then again, some might want to shout  it from the rooftops.

Croydon Guardian, 21 July 2010:

Mattress misery

An 18-stone man and his wife who have gone through four mattresses in less than three years are warning residents about a Croydon bed shop.

Ian Pike and his wife Susan bought a £900 bed from Benson for Beds in Purley Way, Croydon, in August 2007. Within six months the mattress had “collapsed on itself”, according to Mr Pike, but the company replaced it for free because it was still under warranty.

Thanks to C Edwards for testing the springs and providing the full article from the Croydon Guardian (click picture to read).

“I’m an 18-stone geezer so it needs to be a big bed. They even told me I was lying on it the wrong way. What does that even mean? I can’t levitate.”

They mean you should try not lying on it like a beached whale.

It’s worth nothing that the self-styled 18-stone geezer inexplicably passed up the opportunity of a “pushed from pillar to bed post” pun in the article. The matt-stress really must be getting to him.

Inevitably, it was only a couple of days until the Sutton Guardian picked up the same story and ran it with a great ‘Gazette Faces’ photo.

Will they ever sleep peacefully again? Perhaps if they had in the first place, they wouldn’t have destroyed four mattresses and find themselves in this situation.

4 Comments

Filed under Consumer rights

July 24, 2010

Norfolk ‘n’ good

Top parenting tip: if you’re a terrible parent and allow your child to use their potty as a mouth, you can get away with blaming it on the local playground…

Norwich Evening News, 19 March 2010 (story):

Norwich youngsters pick up bad language from graffiti

Calls have been made for council officials to clean up a city park – because youngsters are picking up bad language from graffiti sprayed on play equipment.

Mile Cross Gardens in Peterson Road, Norwich, has been hit by vandals with yellow paint sprayed on the slides and scorch marks on the equipment. [...]

Now, parents have raised concerns about the mess and say they want it to be cleaned up so their children have somewhere nice to play.

Wayne Bartle, 25, who lives near the park and has two children, Harvey, five, and two-year-old Kaden, said his eldest son has picked up offensive words from the graffiti.

He said: “I’m surprised no one has done anything about it. If it looks like that then no-one wants to take their kids there and see all that. It all needs painting, it’s disgusting.”

Stuart Allen, head of Mile Cross Primary School, said: “It is a shame that graffiti and vandalism of communal resources continues to rear its ugly head.”

NETHER REGIONS FACT: Nobody in Norwich ever swore prior to this graffiti.

A literal case of playground insults, it seems.

2 Comments

Filed under Moral outrage, Sensational headlines

July 22, 2010

Gazette Faces, Vol. 8

Welcome to another series of stiff-faced, sunken-cheeked twats making the pages of Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette.

Middlesbrough salon couple hit by arson

Jobless Craig Fisher uses banners in bid to get work

Hmm. Hopefully any employers looking to recruit a technician aren’t looking for someone who can spell it.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 1 May 2010:

A STOCKTON dad has resorted to displaying two home-made banners on a busy Teesside roundabout in a bid to get work.

“It is still early days as I only did it on Thursday but since then I have seen some vehicles slow down to read it.”

Great. He may still be unemployed, but at least he had the satisfaction of seeing some cars slow down. Simple pleasures…

Thanks to Neil Trodden.

More flower vandals strike in Eston

Concern as vandals target Middlesbrough’s Holgate Wall

There are the bastards – caught red handed.

And again! The sheer brass neck of it...

Redcar mum tells of sewing needle find in baby food

Paperboys come to aid of stricken OAP

Alright lads, no need to look so cocksure about it. No doubt they still shredded the OAP’s paper while jamming it through the letterbox.

Hartlepool man arrested after car broke down on Newport Bridge

He is clearly so over it now.

Family’s Saltburn cliff lift crash terror

Trees stolen from Gisborough Priory woodland gardens

Biker speaks out over Redcar pothole menace

Excellent deployment of the steel ruler there, but when was the last time you heard of someone being killed in an eight inch deep pothole? Perhaps in The Borrowers, yes, but this is real life we’re dealing with here.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 28 April 2010:

EXPERIENCED motorbiker Steve Muskett is furious at a terrifying spate of potential killer potholes which he says have sprung up in Redcar and Cleveland.

He branded it a “slalom track” of huge potholes, some of which are up to eight inches deep.

Surely bikers always slalom along roads anyway, so what’s the  problem? Perhaps if they weren’t universally such awful, egocentric leather-clad lunatics, potholes wouldn’t be a problem. Just my tuppence, for what it’s worth (i.e. two pence).

Link: Gazette Faces catalogue

Leave a Comment

Filed under Gazette Faces

Older Entries