Apologies to the loyal readers who have continued to turn to these pages over the past six months without any joy. The Nether Regions newsroom has ground to a standstill for now, but will be back at some point. Maybe. Hopefully, anyway.
If you want to keep track, follow on Twitter or request an alarm call from reception by simply dialling ’0′.
Stay lucky.
Filed under Editorial
It is a truth universally acknowledged that any article or letter which dares to question the merits of a town or its people will quickly provoke a fierce rebuke from affronted natives in the local paper’s letters page.
In this case, timewarped and tiny north-eastern fishing village and depressing Sunday afternoon family outing hotspot of my youth, Staithes, bites back. And excitingly, it bites back in the form of a letter from Winifred Craig, who writes under a name designed for a 243 year-old while inexplicably claiming to be just 76.
An extra interesting fact about Staithes before you move on: the demented locals pronounce it as ‘Steers’. So there.
Whitby Gazette, 16 March 2011 (letter):
The people of Staithes DO care
I read with horror and consternation the article of 15 March headed ‘I drive by when I see village sign Staithes’.
It was then when I came to the paragraph – ‘you should resign yourself to the fact that Staithes does not care whether you visit or not’ – I became outraged.
How dare he. As an original of Staithes of some 76 years and having lived and travelled worldwide I have seen some horrendous sights and smells, he makes Staithes seem like the aftermath of Tsunami.
The people of Staithes do care. We have a very dedicated council employee who does a magnificent job of cleaning the village and if anything above his job is brought to his attention he will do his utmost to resolve it. But the writer puts the cap fairly and squarely on the right head when he mentions Scarborough Borough Council. They do not seem to care about these little villages and concentrate money, time and effort on Scarborough, as he duly notes.
And as for the polluted beach and water, this is because of the groin being in the wrong place and the cutting off of the tidal flow from the north and south sides of the piers, which has never been rectified. Please don’t blame the locals, blame bureaucracy and the indifference of the council who should care, but don’t.
This isn’t the first time a wrongly-placed groin will have cut off something’s flow. Right lads?
Oh dear.
Oh, and by the way, my husband has a blue badge and as we live at the top of the bank and as he cannot walk more than a few feet after suffering a stroke, finds it impossible to visit our old home on the seafront, and know why, it’s because since the council laid the new cobblestones it shakes him up so much it makes him ill.
So writer, if you have any clout at all, get in touch with Scarborough Borough Council and justify your remarks. You never know, you may succeed where others have failed.
Winifred Craig, Cliff Road, Staithes
Surely these cobblestones are in contravention of disability legislation? If Staithes shakes up people in wheelchairs to the point of illness, then the original article probably made a fair recommendation about driving by drive by the village sign.
Filed under Council hatred, Letters to the Editor, Local pride
It’s excellent to see the sophisticated OAPs of the north-east beginning to take direct action where it matters.
The Northern Echo, 21 February 2011 (story):
Water supply feud leads to pensioner’s threat to Percy family
POLICE have been alerted after a pensioner who changed his name to Bastard threatened to ruin the wedding of a North-East aristocrat.
Michael McNamara, 71, has vowed to disrupt the wedding service of Lady Katie Percy, the eldest daughter of the Duke and Duchess of Northumberland.
The pensioner wrote to Lady Katie – a friend of Prince William and Kate Middleton – to say he and a gang of relatives would turn up at the event.
Mr McNamara, who in recent years changed his name by Deed Poll to Michael ”Bastard” McNamara, said he was warned he faced arrest if he caused trouble.
What on earth could have led to this Bastard developing such a grudge against his rich and privileged bastard neighbours? A water supply, of course.
It is believed Mr McNamara developed a grudge against the Percy family following a dispute over the water supply at his home.
He has bombarded the Duke and Duchess, and Northumbria Police, with foul-mouthed and insulting postcards for many years.
He told The Journal in Newcastle: ”I’ve sent postcards to the police all my life. The Duchess used to get one every year but I sent one to her and her daughter last Friday.
”The police just said ‘How would you like it if they sent it to me?’
”I told them I was going to the wedding and they said that if I went I was going to get arrested. I said, ‘I will see you at the wedding’.”
No messin’. Hats off. Go on you Bastard!
Thanks to Nick Henegan.
As dozens of vehicles career off Canvey Island’s roads as a result of loose tyres, all the locals can do is moan about the ruddy mess.
Southend Echo, 24 February 2011 (story):
Just who is the phantom tyre dumper?
A COUNCIL has been urged to use spy powers to help find the now notorious Canvey tyre dumper.
Another 25 tyres have been dumped on the island, this time in Haven Road and near the entrance to a caravan park.
More than 1,000 tyres have been dumped over a series of nights since mid-December, but so far the police and council have failed to catch the culprit.
Jane King, Canvey Island Independent Party councillor for Canvey West, believes Castle Point Council should use any available law to find the person responsible.
“Something must be done, because Canvey shouldn’t be a dumping ground. These tyres are costing the tax payer a fortune to get rid of.”
Oh look, here comes the obligatory single-issue local politican, no doubt hoping to make a name for themselves where others fear to tread.
Oh, and look, here’s the obligatory concerned local resident who only gets worked up about the odd bit of litter despite all of the more pressing evils in society:
Elizabeth Swann spotted the latest pile of tyres when she left her home in Haven Road on Monday morning.
She said: “I saw all these tyres on the side of the road, and thought, ‘Oh no, not again’.
“We had the same thing here about a fortnight ago, although that time they left them all scattered down the road. This time they’d been left in a neater pile.”
Ah, finally, these cold hearted and conniving tyre-dumping bastards have found it in their hearts to leave their rubbery deposits in a neat pile. Just goes to show that even fly-tippers have a conscience.
Thanks to Roddy Campbell for leaving this mess of a story in a neat pile in my Inbox.
Filed under Heartless bastards, Justice
It’s lovely when a community conjures up a bit of Blitz Spirit to unite around a common cause. In this case, the entire population of Basingstoke is pulling together to muster all of the tumble dryer fluff it can possibly find. A whole town picks its belly button in anticipation.
Basingstoke Gazette, 21 February 2011 (story):
Fluff needed for patchwork quilt
IT’S certainly an unusual request – but a Basingstoke art teacher is appealing for people to donate the fluff from their tumble dryer filters.
Julie Parker, a teacher at Cranbourne Business and Enterprise College, is making a patchwork quilt using the recycled material – but so far, she only has enough to make one square metre.
It is one of several unusual pieces of art that Ms Parker has challenged herself to make, having previously created a shirt using hair and a mattress from tumble dryer lint.
She said of her new project: “It’s based on the nostalgia and history of patchworks – you knew who the pieces of fabric had come from. My work is about human traces and the absent body.
“I started working with dust and made a video using dust. I also made a mattress out of tumble dryer lint, and it’s got birth, death and life all in the mattress with traces of people.”
Traces of people? Will somebody please call the police and tell them we’ve got a lead which could finally empty out that ‘Unsolved Murders in Basingstoke 1972-1998′ book.
They’ll call anything ‘art’ these days of course.
Filed under Community spirit, Local tedium
Hmmm, “barred from approaching tethered animals”… the implication seems to be that this prolific horse botherer is free to have his wicked way with untethered ones, provided he can catch them first. Encouraging equine foreplay rituals seems like an odd form of justice if you ask me.
The Northern Echo, 17 February 2011 (story):
Horse pervert is spared jail again
A CONVICTED sex offender narrowly avoided being sent to prison yesterday after he admitted stroking ponies – despite a court ban.
Retired farmworker David Chamberlin was barred from approaching tethered animals as part of an order after he admitted outraging public decency by committing a lewd act with a horse in 2009.
In 2009, he was caught when the owner of the horse spotted Chamberlin acting suspiciously in a field in Billingham, near Stockton. The farmer saw the animal’s head being pulled down towards Chamberlin’s groin.
Shocked and disgusted, he hit Chamberlin with a stick, which caused the horse to run off, dragging Chamberlin across the field.
Long serving readers may recall this character’s previous appearance on The nether regions in relation to the previous lewd act in 2009. His inimitable shabby-red-jacket-and-fag-in-mouth combo is unforgettable:
The best thing about this story is this extraordinary set of comments from the District Judge.
District Judge Kristina Harrison said: “I find it very strange behaviour that any man would want to stick his penis in a horse’s mouth, quite frankly.”
“By being on bail for a long time, he seems to have moved on from horses to prostitutes which is not a particularly good development.
“He has got to refrain from behaving in the manner that he does. I would like to stop him behaving in a bizarre sexual fashion.”
I bet they’ll have had a laugh about this back in the press gallery.
Thanks to Nick Henegan for this story.
I’ve heard of newspapers hitting doormats, but have rarely heard of doormats becoming the content of newspapers themselves. Tuesday 25 January 2011 was the day when domestic carpet maintenance concerns finally exploded onto the news agenda in Huddersfield.
Huddersfield Examiner, 25 January 2011:
Please wipe your feet
I AM sure I am not on my own when I say how annoying it is when you have visitors to your house who refuse to wipe their shoes, although you have provided a door mat. I have a daily battle against trainers, shoes, boots etc.
If there is an inventor somewhere who could come up with a device that would ask people to politely wipe their feet on entering your house door, it would be a number one seller.
Until then I remain an annoyed, constant hall carpet cleaner.
READER, Netherton
Hmmm, if only a really clever inventor somewhere could come up with something like, you know, a doormat with words on or something.
Turns out this disconcertingly vaguely named ‘READER’ is not the only one prepared to speak out on this sorry mess:
Huddersfield Examiner, 8 February 2011:
Please wipe your feet
LIKE your Netherton reader (Mailbag, January 25) I also am annoyed when people do not wipe their feet on the door mat provided (back and front) of my house. I always do so at other people’s homes.
It must be second nature to me. I cannot remember being told when I was much younger. Perhaps telling the children will have the desired effect for the next generation.
Mrs E Taylor
Golcar
Here come the bloody ‘better at wiping my feet than thou’ brigade…
Filed under Health & safety gone mad, Letters to the Editor
The humbling generosity of Louth’s leading newspaper, the Louth Leader, just rumbles on and on.
Good orange holding technique there.
Mmmmm, and what wonderfully fresh and juicy pipless oranges at that… what else could one wish for? Apart from some long, thin cheese flavoured pastry items, of course.
I’m sure I recognise her face. Turns out she is Louth’s leading gift-giver, of previous sausage roll fame. Incredible scenes.
If there is a sudden boom in baby births in Louth in nine months’ time, the Louth Leader is clearly to blame:
And yet more sweet snacks…
It’s time to comprehensively list the goodies the benevolent Louth Leader has given away to its readership in recent months:
Bloody hell. And to think newspapers were once all about news.
Filed under Free goodies
Honestly, the lengths some people will go to just to avoid being traced by their fingerprints.
York Press, 11 February 2011 (story):
‘Gloves’ caused bomb scare
THE bomb scare which delayed thousands of York commuters and forced the evacuation of hundreds of workers was caused by a pair of gloves, it has emerged.
A large part of York city centre was brought to a standstill for more than two hours on Wednesday morning after a suspect package was found in the mail room of Aviva’s Yorkshire House office on Rougier Street, at about 7.20am.
The Press has now learned from sources in the emergency services that the package, addressed to a senior executive, contained a pair of gloves with a heating element.
Staff were concerned about the package, and called the emergency services, which led to the deployment of a bomb disposal team.
It’s not that often a package gets more suspicious once the authorities have established what’s in it. In the absence of any further details, the mind boggles. What type of gloves were these? They might have been a lovely pair of mittens, given that those spacious hand compartments would be very appropriate for storing copious explosives. Or perhaps they were fingerless gloves, no doubt the prehensile sheath of choice for the sophisticated glove bomber.
It appears some of the locals were very unhappy with this whole episode:
GOD-UHHH. How typical of boring bloody York to not even have a real bomb and get destroyed or something, just to liven the place up. Zzzzz zzzz zzz.
Thanks for this story go to exiled York resident Daniel Gray (stramashthebook.com), no doubt the sender of this suspicious package in the first bloody place.
Filed under Health & safety gone mad, Local tedium
This could have ended in horrible tragedy, but it didn’t, and that means we’re allowed to laugh at it.
Reading Post, 6 November 2010 (story):
Mum and daughter rescued from bog
A mother and teenage daughter were rescued when they became trapped in a bog in South Reading this afternoon.
A police helicopter located the pair who were walking a Jack Russell dog in the flood plain of the River Kennet near Big Yellow Self Storage in Rose Kiln Lane.
The daughter had sunk to her chest in the muddy bog and her mother was lying next to her with one leg submerged.
Because the girl was in such danger, a firefighter and police officer entered the bog to rescue her at once.
I bet that’s the last time this pair will be reaching for their copy of Flood Plain Strolls of Britain when they fancy a stretch of the legs.
The story on the Reading Post website features a gripping video of the rescue bid, replete with commentary by concerned emergency services staff. It’s a must-watch if you’re amused by the idea of seeing four Power Rangers needing their maximum strength to drag this big old unit from a bog:
Crew manager Crook said there was a real danger she would sink blelow the surface.
He said: “It is particulary dangerous if you keep moving about. It is the worst thing you can do.”
He added: “The dog was rescued first. He hadn’t sunk in at all.”
In that case, you’d think the dog would have helped. But no. So much for being man’s best friend.
Filed under Bravery, Health & safety gone mad
The letters page of the Whitby Gazette is a reliably wonderful festival of misanthropy. Serving as a weekly noticeboard of human hatred, nearly every issue of the paper sees someone publicly attacking their fellow Whitby residents for crimes committed in the course of everyday life.
Whitby Gazette, 5 January 2011:
Joggers should have their own stretch of beach
I would like to open a debate about joggers having their own stretch of beach. Possibly, the area near to the west extension when the tide is in.
Not only do joggers expect all other human beings to either step aside, fall down, or jump over the cliff in order to clear their path, but they assume deafness to a happy ‘good morning’ and blindness to a smile, and at the risk of running out of sync, a kick in the ribs to the dog.
Oh yes dear reader, I am a dog owner and also, as it happens, like seagulls!
Miss P Smithson, Upgang Lane, Whitby
For those of you not intimately familiar with the geography of Whitby beach, the ‘area near to the West extension when the tide is in‘ would not be ideally suited for jogging, as this picture demonstrates. Hats off to Miss Smithson for publicly calling for the death of all joggers.
News just in: Dog owners have shit for brains!
Whitby Gazette, 12 January 2011:
Littering with dog mess
It never ceases to amaze me to see dog owners pick up their dog mess in a plastic bag and proceed to throw it up a tree or into the hedge back.
Not only littering with dog mess, but also with plastic. All I can say is the contents of the plastic bag is equal to what is keeping their ears apart.
Mal Greenley, the man with the white lurcher, Helredale Road, Whitby
More news just in: Dog owners deliberately make children go blind!
Whitby Gazette, 26 January 2011:
Clean up after your dogs
May I, through the Whitby Gazette, thank the person (and I know who you are), for allowing your dog to leave a large ‘deposit’ on the path outside my house this morning (Tuesday 25 Jan).
As a thank-you to you, I have informed the dog fouling authorities and you should be receiving a visit from the Dog Warden in due course.
The responsibility of looking after a dog is no different to looking after a young child. You have to feed it and clean up after it. If you are not willing or prepared to clean up its mess, then you shouldn’t have it in the first place. You are totally irresponsible and should be ashamed of yourself. Toxoplasmosis is a disease which is passed to humans via dog faeces and can cause blindness. It is extremely dangerous for children and pregnant women. Many children play on the two grassed play areas on Queen’s Drive and frequently go home with dog faeces either on their shoes or on their clothing. These are children’s play areas. If they were designated dog walking areas, they would have dog litter bins in situ.
On a final note. To those of you who fail to pick up your dog’s mess whilst walking it on or near the grass at the bottom of Queen’s Drive, I will not hesitate to report you. Enough said.
Mrs Ward, Queens Drive, Whitby
Local newspapers: truly the lifeblood of any community.
Filed under Letters to the Editor
To Kent, where the men clearly know how to show a bird a good time.
Sevenoaks Chronicle, 4 February 2011 (story):
Chicken on the run has trio in a flutter
WE ALL know the question asking ‘why did the chicken cross the road?’
But shoppers and staff in Sevenoaks were flummoxed when one turned up in a retail complex accompanied by three men. The trio called in at Pets Corner in Blighs Meadow last Thursday to buy chicken feed.
Stephanie Harper and her colleague quizzed them on their feathered friend and the men revealed they were taking it out for “some fresh air”.
The 20-year-old sales adviser said: “The man holding the bird kept kissing it and they asked if we sold small harnesses they could use to take it for a walk.
“It was fairly odd but the chicken didn’t look fazed. They clearly loved the bird, although at first we were concerned it was some sort of prank. But I know what a distressed animal looks like and it definitely wasn’t scared or upset.”
Without wishing to generalise, Kent really is full of freaks. Even this chicken soon realised, and made a run for it.
Shopper Evy Barry witnessed a similar scene in the Blighs car park as she got out of her car to buy a birthday present for a family member.
She said: “I was just buying my ticket when suddenly these three lads ran by in hot pursuit of this chicken. It was like a comedy sketch. They just couldn’t catch it.
“The bird didn’t look scared, just indignant. It had a look on its face like it was thinking ‘I’m just trying to walk across the car park, what’s your problem? Why are you chasing me?’”
“Eventually I had to go to buy the present and when I came back ten minutes later I saw the men getting into a blue car, no sign of the chicken, so I missed the end of the show. It was the most bizarre thing.”
Dead.
Filed under Local tedium
Imagine if the only thing lending a smidgeon of sanity to your provincial existence was the local branch of Burton, and then it suddenly closed down. Such is the plight of this poor mite from Tonbridge, Kent. A truly heartbreaking tale of teenage alienation, boredom and despair.
Kent and Sussex Courier, 28 January 2011 (story):
There’s nothing for us teenagers in Tonbridge
TEENAGERS from Tonbridge are forced to travel to Tunbridge Wells or Maidstone for shopping or “any kind of life”, according to a 17-year-old.
K College student Reece Heron has this week spoken out to raise the issues in the hope it will be a first step to change.
He has lifted the lid on what it is like growing up as a teen in the town after seeing Burton, the only shop he ever visited, announce its closure.
“All we’ve got to attract shoppers and tourists is New Look and the castle – there’s not a lot else,” he said.
“It annoys me when all I see is charity shops. Burton is going, so there’s pretty much nothing for me to go into now. I never say to my friends, ‘oh, let’s go to the British Heart Foundation for a browse’. It’s never my first thought.”
If it wasn’t for the Kent and Sussex Courier, Reece’s message might have been lost forever. But now, drunk on the attention that inevitably comes with starring in a quarter-page article in the local paper, he strides forward with a messianic sense of purpose and the confident belief that he can deliver true and meaningful change, i.e. a few extra chain shops in Tonbridge.
“We’d like to see Top Man, River Island, and other shops which Tunbridge Wells provides, but they’re getting rid of them in Tonbridge.
Reece is the first teenager, directly affected by the problem, to speak out in depth about the issue.
He added: “It’s a problem across the whole of Tonbridge, in particular for teenage boys and young men. For women you have New Look, Monsoon and shoes places, but the downfall is there’s nothing for guys.
“I don’t think many people of my age would open up about these sort of things because they think they don’t have a voice.
“But I see there’s a huge problem in the town and it needs sorting. Speaking out is my first step in trying to change things.”
This is exactly how Bono started.
Filed under Consumer rights, Local tedium
In the local news stakes, you can’t beat a good flasher. And if you can’t beat them, join them… RIGHT LADS?
SINGER-FROM -THE-BAND-KEANE FLASHER:
Yorkshire Evening Post, 7 January 2011:
Hunt for Harrogate flasher
Dectectives hunting a pervert believed to have repeatedly exposed himself to women in Harrogate have issued an e-fit picture of a suspect.
The “flasher”, who seems to strike after sunset, is believed to have exposed himself on at least three occasions in the Stray Rein area of the town in the last month.
On Saturday December 18, two women were walking along a public footpath connecting York Place with Tewit Well Road at about 5.45pm when they saw a man standing by a tree, just past a nearby railway bridge.
The man was naked and had his jeans around his ankles. He was described as white, in his early to mid 20s and about 6ft 3in tall, of larger than average build with dark brown hair worn in a pudding-bowl shape.
He had a round face with a pale complexion and dark eyes. His upper body appeared to be hairless.
Pudding-bowl hair and a hairless upper body… it’s a good look.
NOT-BEHAVIOUR-YOU’D-EXPECT-FROM-A-CATHOLIC-PRIEST FLASHER:
Lancashire Evening Post, 20 April 2009 (story):
Shame of the flasher priest
A Catholic priest exposed himself in a Lancashire park in broad daylight.
Thomas McCaffrey, 59, was spotted leaving the men’s toilets in Ribbleton Park, Preston, with his genitals on show at 2.45pm.
McCaffrey – who worked at St Mary’s Parish Church in Bamber Bridge – then flashed his private parts “as if he was trying to attract someone’s attention.”
When arrested, McCaffrey admitted he had visited the toilets looking for a sexual partner – but said he was in the process of covering himself up after using the urinal.
As the neighbour walked past the priest on his way to a local shop he formed the impression the priest was touching himself.
Presumably, touching oneself ‘as if trying to attract someone’s attention’ is the forgotten eighth Sacrament of the Catholic church.
Filed under Flashers
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Paddy (Editor)
