Archive for July 2010
Old people are quick to sneer at youths riding bikes down pavements but, as this story goes to show, they’re no better when it comes to keeping pedestrian areas clear. And they certainly don’t like it up ‘em.
Surrey Comet, 29 May 2010 (st0ry):
Bakery bust up angers elderly
Fed up residents have formed a chorus of dissent against Kingston Council’s decision to charge a bakery for providing a popular social spot for Old Malden’s disabled and elderly people.
Last week, the Plough Bakery in Malden Road was visited by council staff who demanded it remove external tables and chairs, used by many elderly and disabled residents who claimed they had nowhere else to socialise.
Top marks to the Surrey Comet for expertly shoehorning a walking stick, wicker shopping basket, carrier bag and TWO mobility scooters into one photo. Not to mention what appears to be a bullet-proof vest and Fedora hat combo sported by the scooter occupant on the left… incredible scenes.
If you ever need anything clamping down on (e.g. insecure ladders, illegally parked cars, endemic prostitution), it sounds like Kingston Council are up to the job:
Councillor David Fraser said: “Have you ever heard such rubbish in all your life? It’s health and safety gone crazy but that’s Kingston Council for you. They clamp down on anything.
“I talked to a blind chap called Charlie who was in tears about the whole thing. As a social worker I think they should be ashamed of themselves.”
A reference to blind people in tears equates to emotional blackmail on an unashamedly grand scale. Kingston Council – for the love of God, reverse this decision. Reverse it now.
Some couples might feel embarrassed to find they get through more mattresses than the average porn studio, but then again, some might want to shout it from the rooftops.
Croydon Guardian, 21 July 2010:
An 18-stone man and his wife who have gone through four mattresses in less than three years are warning residents about a Croydon bed shop.
Ian Pike and his wife Susan bought a £900 bed from Benson for Beds in Purley Way, Croydon, in August 2007. Within six months the mattress had “collapsed on itself”, according to Mr Pike, but the company replaced it for free because it was still under warranty.
Thanks to C Edwards for testing the springs and providing the full article from the Croydon Guardian (click picture to read).
“I’m an 18-stone geezer so it needs to be a big bed. They even told me I was lying on it the wrong way. What does that even mean? I can’t levitate.”
They mean you should try not lying on it like a beached whale.
It’s worth nothing that the self-styled 18-stone geezer inexplicably passed up the opportunity of a “pushed from pillar to bed post” pun in the article. The matt-stress really must be getting to him.
Inevitably, it was only a couple of days until the Sutton Guardian picked up the same story and ran it with a great ‘Gazette Faces’ photo.
Will they ever sleep peacefully again? Perhaps if they had in the first place, they wouldn’t have destroyed four mattresses and find themselves in this situation.
Top parenting tip: if you’re a terrible parent and allow your child to use their potty as a mouth, you can get away with blaming it on the local playground…
Norwich Evening News, 19 March 2010 (story):
Norwich youngsters pick up bad language from graffiti
Calls have been made for council officials to clean up a city park – because youngsters are picking up bad language from graffiti sprayed on play equipment.
Mile Cross Gardens in Peterson Road, Norwich, has been hit by vandals with yellow paint sprayed on the slides and scorch marks on the equipment. [...]
Now, parents have raised concerns about the mess and say they want it to be cleaned up so their children have somewhere nice to play.
Wayne Bartle, 25, who lives near the park and has two children, Harvey, five, and two-year-old Kaden, said his eldest son has picked up offensive words from the graffiti.
He said: “I’m surprised no one has done anything about it. If it looks like that then no-one wants to take their kids there and see all that. It all needs painting, it’s disgusting.”
Stuart Allen, head of Mile Cross Primary School, said: “It is a shame that graffiti and vandalism of communal resources continues to rear its ugly head.”
NETHER REGIONS FACT: Nobody in Norwich ever swore prior to this graffiti.
A literal case of playground insults, it seems.
Welcome to another series of stiff-faced, sunken-cheeked twats making the pages of Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette.
Middlesbrough salon couple hit by arson
Jobless Craig Fisher uses banners in bid to get work
Hmm. Hopefully any employers looking to recruit a technician aren’t looking for someone who can spell it.
Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 1 May 2010:
A STOCKTON dad has resorted to displaying two home-made banners on a busy Teesside roundabout in a bid to get work.
“It is still early days as I only did it on Thursday but since then I have seen some vehicles slow down to read it.”
Great. He may still be unemployed, but at least he had the satisfaction of seeing some cars slow down. Simple pleasures…
Thanks to Neil Trodden.
More flower vandals strike in Eston
Concern as vandals target Middlesbrough’s Holgate Wall
There are the bastards – caught red handed.
And again! The sheer brass neck of it...
Redcar mum tells of sewing needle find in baby food
Paperboys come to aid of stricken OAP
Alright lads, no need to look so cocksure about it. No doubt they still shredded the OAP’s paper while jamming it through the letterbox.
Hartlepool man arrested after car broke down on Newport Bridge
He is clearly so over it now.
Family’s Saltburn cliff lift crash terror
Trees stolen from Gisborough Priory woodland gardens
Biker speaks out over Redcar pothole menace
Excellent deployment of the steel ruler there, but when was the last time you heard of someone being killed in an eight inch deep pothole? Perhaps in The Borrowers, yes, but this is real life we’re dealing with here.
Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 28 April 2010:
EXPERIENCED motorbiker Steve Muskett is furious at a terrifying spate of potential killer potholes which he says have sprung up in Redcar and Cleveland.
He branded it a “slalom track” of huge potholes, some of which are up to eight inches deep.
Surely bikers always slalom along roads anyway, so what’s the problem? Perhaps if they weren’t universally such awful, egocentric leather-clad lunatics, potholes wouldn’t be a problem. Just my tuppence, for what it’s worth (i.e. two pence).
Link: Gazette Faces catalogue
The frenzied, overworked nature of modern day journalism means news reporters must ensure they have no flies on them.
Except, that is, for when their paper sends them to cover a plague of flies. This signalled the collapse of society in the unfortunate Lancashire villages of New Longton and Whitestake.
Thanks to swat spotter Lucy Longhurst for the story.
Lancashire Evening Post, 20 July 2010 (story):
Village plagued by flies
Millions of flies are making life a misery for villagers in rural Lancashire.
A local pub has been forced to slash its opening hours and families in New Longton and Whitestake say they are under siege from swarms of insects. It has become so bad The Farmers Arms, in Wham Lane, is closing at certain times of the day.
And a customer from Penwortham, who visited on Saturday, said: “The girls in there were swatting the flies away. They are opening for a few hours, then closing.
“It got worse and worse and we ended up having to rush our meal.”
Thankfully, the locals aren’t ones to moan:
John Capstick, who runs Buena Vista Furniture Services in nearby Long Moss Lane, said: “It’s been absolutely awful.The floors are littered with them. They get into everything.”
Claire Sutton, from Orchard Avenue, said: “Rooms were covered in flies and there’s a constant buzzing noise. We vacuumed up 114 in one night.”
Neighbour Anne Carter added: “We are killing hundreds a night. They’re everywhere.”
And childminder Deborah Lonsdale added: “It’s been horrendous. “I’ve lived here 22 years and never seen anything like this. Something has got to be done.”
A spokesman for brewery Mitchells and Butlers said: “We are coping with the situation and have been able to keep the carvery in operation … with a full clean down of the pub and carvery in between each service.”
The carvery must go on. Finally, a bit of Blitz Spirit.
It’s interesting when news reports open with irrelevant detail about the person involved in the story; particularly when style guide conventions mean the detail is in capital letters.
“A WIDOW says foxes are raiding rubbish bags…”
Does widow status lend some form of legitimacy to what you say? Is that what this is about?
“A WIFE says foxes are raiding rubbish bags…”
Well, in that case, I don’t believe a ruddy word of it.
Waltham Forest Guardian, 10 June 2010 (story):
Foxes create nappy mess
A WIDOW says foxes are raiding rubbish bags and littering her garden with soiled nappies.
Wildlife experts believe the fox which attacked baby twins Lola and Isabella Koupparis as they slept in their cots last week may have mistaken the smell of the dirty nappies for food.
Jean Farmer, of Colchester Road, Leyton, thinks they could be right as her beloved garden is often strewn with used nappies brought in by neighbourhood foxes.
She said: “I get so frustrated because this has been going on for six months now. There are usually quite a few nappies when it happens. It maybe happens three nights a week.”
Mrs Farmer, who is proud of her 90ft-long garden, said she and her lodger share the responsibility of clearing up the unpleasant mess.
She said: “I’m a former nurse but as I’ve got older my stomach has become more sensitive.”
Alright, luv, there’s no need to talk us through your nappy-filling process. Even if you are a widow and therefore anything you do or say is worthy of media attention.
The photo is marvellous: the carefully placed nappies; the “what the hell?” hand gestures; the ill-advised headwear; and the general scarecrow gait of the widow. Superb. Thank you to Angry People in Local Newspapers for drawing it to my attention.
Does what it says on the tin in the title. As if there hadn’t already been enough sequels of Free Willy…
Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 8 April 2010 (story):
North Yorkshire shop owner has stone willy seized by police
A CURIOSITY shop owner and councillor has had his stone willy seized by police after complaints it was obscene.
Jason Hadlow, chairman of Yarm Town Council and owner of the Simply Dutch store in Leeming Bar, North Yorkshire, was left gobsmacked at the confiscation.
Now he faces an £80 fine to get his 4ft high masonry manhood back – something he has refused to do.
“It’s absolute madness they’ve taken this willy – it was right there in the shop window next to a statue of Venus and a replica of Michelangelo’s David,” said the entrepreneur, who lives in Yarm.
“They involve boobs and willies – and there was a sign nearby saying Big Dick’s Sausages and they didn’t take that.”
Mr Hadlow was given 24 hours to remove the stone penis.
He added: “The policewoman said it was 4ft tall. It’s not that high, but people do often overestimate when it comes to willy size.”
Mr Hadlow has 21 days to pay the fine – but is hoping a Facebook group he set up called Free Willy will persuade the police to drop the charges – at the time the Evening Gazette went to print today he had 269 supporters online.
Health and safety gone mad, obviously.
Forget ‘daddy or chips?’, this is a real-life case of ‘the kids or toast?’. It’s clear where this father’s loyalties lie.
Blackpool Gazette, 26 May 20010:
Man slapped girlfriend in toast row
A MAN slapped his girlfriend’s face when she told him she was too busy with the children to make toast.
Dominic Hulme, 22, of Horsebridge Road, Grange Park, admitted assaulting his partner on May 15.
He was sentenced to two years’ supervision and ordered to complete a domestic violence programme by magistrates.
David Charnley, defending, said his client had been in a relationship with his partner for nine years and admitted slapping her after she made a lewd remark about his mother.
Thanks to Mark Palmer. On reflection, though, this is an appalling news report. Key details are left out, and the story is inconsistent. Did he slap her because of the toast snub or the lewd remark about his mother? Or would it be possible to combine the two? ‘Yer mum’s a slag and yer can make yer own toast.’ Yes, it is possible. But shame on the Blackpool Gazette for not exploring this.
It is worth noting, however, that this isn’t the first time food-related violence has erupted in the Blackpool Gazette: Man threw profiteroles at wife. Whatever happened to ‘the family that eats together stays together’…?
Reader mistakes Huddersfield Examiner letters page for pitch in the Dragons’ Den shocker!
Thank you to Anna Holden.
Huddersfield Examiner, 24 June 2010:
A tissue, a tissue?
AN Examiner motoring column recently praised a vehicle for the provision of cup-holders accessible to both front and rear passengers.
All cars nowadays seem to provide cup-holders which I find moderately useful for holding spare keys or loose change – but I never drink and drive – not even soft drinks.
However, I have a real need for a holder for boxes of tissues. We are all familiar with plucking a clean tissue and the box declining to let go and swinging the thing about, trying to get it loose.
If a motoring columnist could take this issue up, perhaps others might follow suit and the manufacturers might eventually listen.
Arthur Quarmby, Holme
Arthur, I’ll tell you where I am…
…I’m urrrt, i.e. “I’m out”.
…I can lock all my doors / It’s the only way to live / In cars.
The local news is a cruel world. Who’d have thought a vicious readership backlash would result from a seemingly innocuous feel-good story about a 67-year old teacher and her three-legged dog being freed from a car after an ordeal lasting what can only be described as a whole half hour?
Croydon Advertiser, 21 May 2010 (story):
Driver stuck in car says she was glad at bad weather
One teacher was grateful for the rainy weather on Monday afternoon – when she became trapped in her car for half an hour.
Anne Giles took her three-legged dog Bonzo for a walk in Addington Hills and went to drive her Nissan Qashqai back home to Osprey Gardens, Selsdon.
The 67-year-old put her dog in the back of the car, before getting into the driving seat. It was at this point all the doors locked and Anne realised she had left her keys in the boot.
“I couldn’t open the doors or the windows, I was completely trapped,” she said. “I became very panicky and rang the fire brigade who came but could not get me out.
“I was in there for about 30 minutes and started to get very hot and claustrophobic.”
Firefighters had to explain to Anne how to dismantle the rear seat headrest which allowed her to pull up the boot lid and retrieve her keys and unlock the doors.
Warm thanks to concerned Croydon resident Lucinda Offer for picking up this story, and pointing out that it has provoked more than 100 comments on the Croydon Advertiser website. The majority of them took the opportunity to both lambast the paper for even covering this tale of woe in the first place and to mock Anne for not resolving the situation alone. If you enjoy people exchanging bile on the internet, the full comments are well worth your time.
Anne does herself no favours by monitoring the entire discussion and chipping in regularly to rebut every criticism under the name ‘ANNE, SELSDON’, for example: “Someone suggested I press the UNLOCK button – of course I did, you nincompoop.”
Oh dear. Click the photo for some selected highlights…
Please somebody stop her; for her own sake. She’ll be commenting on here next.