Archive for the ‘Heartless bastards’ Category
Silly string attack on boy carrying owl
As a child I used to get harassed by teen ruffians in my provincial coastal hometown too, but it was only ever over my extraordinary bike stabilisers or extraordinary home haircuts. Never over anything as extraordinary as an owl.
Morecambe Visitor, 25 October 2012 (story):
Silly string attack on boy carrying owl
An 11-year-old boy was punched and sprayed with ‘silly string’ by a gang of teenagers – who were trying to steal an owl.
The bird had been taken by the boy and his friend to be displayed at an event just off Morecambe Promenade last Saturday.
The pair were walking along Euston Road between 3pm and 4pm when they were approached by the gang of around 10 teenagers outside Pound Fever.
One of the gang said “Give me your owl,” and adopted a boxing pose.
With an outstretched arm he then sprayed both boys with the silly string while shouting abuse.
The shocked 11-year-old boy, who is from Morecambe, threw his drink at the teen before taking the owl from his friend. He was then twice punched to the side of the head as he and his friend fled in separate directions.
PC Ben Hanley said: “This is a really odd incident.”
Tit for tat + twit twoo = a twit for twat twoo incident, more like.
Speared by a farmer
We’ve all heard of farmers diversifying, but providing an unsolicited car scrapping service is going too far. No doubt the farmer will use the Tony Martin argument that this was somehow an act of self defence.
Leicester Mercury, 23 January 2013 (story):
Horror as car left in snow is speared by farmer’s forklift
A driver forced to abandon his car in a snow-filled ditch was horrified when it was taken away and wrecked – after a farmer speared it with a forklift truck.
Dan Neal, 24, left his black Citroen C2 with a note on the windscreen, after sliding off the road near to Wistow Grange Farm. When he returned to collect the car the following day, he discovered it had already been removed by farmer Edward Gilbert.
He skidded off a bend and into the ditch next to Mr Gilbert’s land. The RAC was unable to attend and Dan was advised to leave the vehicle with a note on the dashboard. He was then horrified to find the farmer had moved the vehicle to a barn by piercing the twin blades of the fork-lift through the bodywork.
Speared
Poor Dan, abandoned, awaiting spearing.
When challenged, Mr Gilbert claimed it was Dan who owed him £250 for the minor damage to his fence.
Dan, who lives in nearby Fleckney, said: “He said, ‘I’ve confiscated your car because I’m sick of people driving into my fence’. He was very matter-of-fact about it. He even said I owed him £250 – I couldn’t believe what he was saying.”
His eight-year-old car was towed away. He is now stuck in Fleckney with no transport.
Stuck in Fleckney with no transport: enough to drive anyone round the bend. If they (a) had a car and (b) the conditions weren’t too treacherous.
In the interests of being fair and balanced, we should really hear the farmer’s side of the story. As expected, he’s banging on about his ‘rights’.
Mr Gilbert, 38, has defended his actions, saying he was “within his rights” to remove the car.
“We get fed up with people going through the hedges and abandoning their cars. If it had been a £50,000 Bentley I might have left it in the ditch.”
A perfectly reasonable, logical standpoint.
Thanks to Nick00031.
Hitler: a bad egg
Local newspapers are certainly not prone to understatement. That’s why this little photo and caption in the Bolton News letters page took me by surprise…
Whilst Hitler certainly wasn’t to be trusted, I’m not sure that as a caption it properly encapsulates the murder of millions. Perhaps MASS MURDERING PSYCHOPATH or VEGETARIAN PAINTER would have been more apt.
I’m just looking forward to the NOT TO BE TRUSTED series featuring Mussolini, Pinochet, Ceauscescu and Thatcher.
Jerk chicken pandemonium
Who knew that a general fondness for chicken could result in mass pandemonium, defecation in front gardens and, worse, rogue parking? Not the concerned residents of Lewisham.
You would think a museum which calls itself ‘Horniman’ should know the perils of a ‘jerk’.
Lewisham News Shopper, 23 April 2012 (story):
Museum plans threatened by jerk chicken ‘pandemonium’
A MUSEUM which wants an extension to its booze licence has a fight on its hands from people who remember “pandemonium” when 20,000 jerk chicken fans descended on the premises in 2009.
Hungry masses flocked to the Horniman Museum event, craving a taste of the spicy Caribbean food and tempted by the appearance of Reggae Reggae Sauce founder Levi Roots and kids’ TV favourite Floella Benjamin.
But the Forest Hill museum has pledged people will not see scenes like those again, after it was claimed that roads were gridlocked, cars were parked in residents’ drives, and people brawled in the streets over spaces.
Scores of residents have written objection letters to Lewisham Council over new licence plans, one even claiming: “During the festival there were numerous, quite appalling instances of visitors urinating and defecating in residents’ front gardens.”
Terrible scenes, but at least they weren’t jerking in the front garden? Every cloud, etc.
If you don’t think you’ve experienced pandemonium in your life so far, just imagine what it’s like to see people tearing up parking tickets and then having to cancel a family meal, because that’s apparently what pandemonium is.
David Lister, 67 of Sydenham Rise, told News Shopper chaos was caused by the museum’s lack of parking facilities.
He said: “The jerk festival was pandemonium. People were just tearing parking tickets up and throwing them in the air.
“I had to cancel my family coming to dinner because people had parked in my drive. There were even cars on the lawn.”
ARRRGGHHH! CARS on the LAWN!!!
Thank you to Gez Daring.
Bastard pensioner targets bastard aristocrats
It’s excellent to see the sophisticated OAPs of the north-east beginning to take direct action where it matters.
The Northern Echo, 21 February 2011 (story):
Water supply feud leads to pensioner’s threat to Percy family
POLICE have been alerted after a pensioner who changed his name to Bastard threatened to ruin the wedding of a North-East aristocrat.
Michael McNamara, 71, has vowed to disrupt the wedding service of Lady Katie Percy, the eldest daughter of the Duke and Duchess of Northumberland.
The pensioner wrote to Lady Katie – a friend of Prince William and Kate Middleton – to say he and a gang of relatives would turn up at the event.
Mr McNamara, who in recent years changed his name by Deed Poll to Michael ”Bastard” McNamara, said he was warned he faced arrest if he caused trouble.
What on earth could have led to this Bastard developing such a grudge against his rich and privileged bastard neighbours? A water supply, of course.
It is believed Mr McNamara developed a grudge against the Percy family following a dispute over the water supply at his home.
He has bombarded the Duke and Duchess, and Northumbria Police, with foul-mouthed and insulting postcards for many years.
He told The Journal in Newcastle: ”I’ve sent postcards to the police all my life. The Duchess used to get one every year but I sent one to her and her daughter last Friday.
”The police just said ‘How would you like it if they sent it to me?’
”I told them I was going to the wedding and they said that if I went I was going to get arrested. I said, ‘I will see you at the wedding’.”
No messin’. Hats off. Go on you Bastard!
Thanks to Nick Henegan.
Sick and tyred
As dozens of vehicles career off Canvey Island’s roads as a result of loose tyres, all the locals can do is moan about the ruddy mess.
Southend Echo, 24 February 2011 (story):
Just who is the phantom tyre dumper?
A COUNCIL has been urged to use spy powers to help find the now notorious Canvey tyre dumper.
Another 25 tyres have been dumped on the island, this time in Haven Road and near the entrance to a caravan park.
More than 1,000 tyres have been dumped over a series of nights since mid-December, but so far the police and council have failed to catch the culprit.
Jane King, Canvey Island Independent Party councillor for Canvey West, believes Castle Point Council should use any available law to find the person responsible.
“Something must be done, because Canvey shouldn’t be a dumping ground. These tyres are costing the tax payer a fortune to get rid of.”
Oh look, here comes the obligatory single-issue local politican, no doubt hoping to make a name for themselves where others fear to tread.
Oh, and look, here’s the obligatory concerned local resident who only gets worked up about the odd bit of litter despite all of the more pressing evils in society:
Elizabeth Swann spotted the latest pile of tyres when she left her home in Haven Road on Monday morning.
She said: “I saw all these tyres on the side of the road, and thought, ‘Oh no, not again’.
“We had the same thing here about a fortnight ago, although that time they left them all scattered down the road. This time they’d been left in a neater pile.”
Ah, finally, these cold hearted and conniving tyre-dumping bastards have found it in their hearts to leave their rubbery deposits in a neat pile. Just goes to show that even fly-tippers have a conscience.
Thanks to Roddy Campbell for leaving this mess of a story in a neat pile in my Inbox.
Stinkogeddon in Spalding
The stench of mystery is plaguing the market town of Spalding, Lincolnshire. This could be the whodunnit to end all whodunnits.
Spalding Guardian, 13 January 2011 (story):
Police bid to catch Spalding stink bomber
POLICE are hunting a hooded man in his 50s who is targeting charity shops with stink bombs.
The man – in his 50s – repeatedly preys on the Cancer Research shop in Hall Place and the Lincolnshire and Nottinghamshire Air Ambulance shop in Sheepmarket.
The stink bombs smell like rotten eggs and the stench is so powerful that customers arriving at the shops are opening the door and going away again.
Lisa Winkley, manager of the Cancer Research shop, said the stink bombs are usually let off amongst the books on the ground floor.
Staff have to throw books away and the foul smell fills the retail area and both upper floors.
Mrs Winkley said: “It’s absolutely disgusting. It’s foul. It has a smell of its own.
“Last time we caught it in time – he didn’t manage to break it properly and I was able to get the stink bomb out. I chucked it in our bin outside.”
Whoever smelt it dealt it.
It’s hard to know what the Spalding Stink Bomber’s motive could possibly be. Perhaps he regards his campaign of olfactory vandalism as a legitimate form of direct political action in protest at the government’s overburdening of the charity sector as part of its ‘Big Society’ cuts agenda. That would be fair enough.
More cynically, I can’t help suspecting this whole thing has merely been cooked up by the charity shop staff in order to conceal their own unconscionable levels of flatulence.
Whoever denied it supplied it.
The attacks began last summer and, after a brief lull, they began again with a vengeance – often on Wednesdays.
Celia Laverton, manager of the air ambulance shop, said: “It’s happening at least once a week now.”
The stench lingers for around 45 minutes – and that’s after she’s opened the door, switched on fans, sprayed air fresheners and lit incense cones.
Mrs Winkley said her regular customers are now so used to the stink bomb attacks that they continue to shop – but others simply walk away after opening the front door.
PC Paul Smith, Spalding town centre beat manager, said he’s seen isolated incidents of youngsters letting off stink bombs in shops as a prank but in 22 years of policing has never come across a concerted campaign like this against charity shops.
He said: “If the gentleman has got a problem with the shops then I would say please bring it forward properly and stop picking on charity shops who are trying to collect money for charitable causes.”
If the police ever catch this stink-bombing scoundrel, then the most appropriate course of action would surely be to let him off. Boom boom, thank you, and goodnight.
Thanks to Paul Widdowfield for kicking up a stink and submitting this story.
A Christmas visit from the ‘House Doctor’
Christmas is a period of warmth and happiness, uniting communities up and down the land with love and festive cheer.
But apart from all that, Redcar’s bitter neighbourly disputes continue every year without interruption; and let’s face it, that’s going to be far more entertaining.
Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 15 November 2007:
Redcar Christmas lights under fire again from “House Doctor”
AN ANONYMOUS self-proclaimed “House Doctor” has re-emerged in Redcar to criticise Christmas lights displays.
The Gazette first reported in 2004 how letters from the “House Doctor” criticised as “tacky, common and cheap” festive lights on several houses on Redcar’s Mickledales estate. Residents hit back at the “cowardly” scribe.
Now it seems the writer may have returned, after a letter from the “House Doctor” arrived by post at a house in the Castle Road area.
It was received by a couple who for the past 10 years have added a colourful festive display to the exterior of their home.
But this year their preparations have been soured by the letter, which shows a November 5 postmark, and criticises the “vulgar” lights as an “annual disgrace” and an “eyesore”. The writer also claims residents are “appalled by the stupidity of it” adding all that is missing is the “loud and raucous” music from a “garishly painted showman’s ride”.
Personal comments are also made in the letter, which has saddened the couple.
The female occupant of the house, who asked not to be named, said: “It’s left us really upset. My husband has not been well.”
The ‘House Doctor’ clearly feels such a burning sense of responsibility towards the community that he or she simply cannot allow abstract festive notions like ‘goodwill to all men’ to prevent them from upholding the fundamentals of housing estate aesthetics.
Hats off, I say. A sustained campaign of anonymous letter-writing is clearly the most efficient means of communicating the truth to a mass audience.
But I bet this anonymous House Doctor didn’t bargain for the residents writing back:
A response has also been penned to the “House Doctor” which defends the couple and describes the critic as a “cowardly Scrooge”. It adds: “This is not a reasoned objection, it is a character assassination. Our lights will go up this year and may bring a smile to some lives, if not yours.”
Both letters have been put on display in a bus stop near the couple’s home and in the window of a nearby newsagent’s shop.
Neighbours support the couple. One said: “People around here are really mad about the letter criticising the lights. We’re all wondering who wrote it.”
The full versions of both letters can be read at the bottom of the article itself.
Merry Christmas Bah humbug to all readers of The Nether Regions.
Harping back to the parking bays
Why is it that old people are always willing to be locked up? No wonder the prisons are so overcrowded.
If nothing else, this story is an important lesson in car dashboard etiquette.
The Echo, Southend, 22 November 2010 (story):
Irene, 90: I’ll go to jail rather than pay fines
A 90-YEAR-OLD woman says she’ll go to prison rather than pay two parking tickets she was given in the space of just 15 minutes.
Irene Reynolds found her car, parked near her home in Old Leigh High Street, had been given a ticket because she had accidentally left a glove covering part of her disabled permit.
Still seething about parking wardens’ meanness, she drove off to take a friend to Leigh Broadway, where she parked on Leigh Hill, near St Clement’s Church.
Her friend left her a Mars bar on the dashboard as a thank you present for the lift – and it covered part of her parking permit. The result: Another ticket.
Retired headmistress Mrs Reynolds, who is recovering from a broken leg, said of the second incident: “I popped in to a nearby store and when I came back, I could see the wardens standing there laughing their heads off. I hobbled as fast as I could to the car, but was horrified to find another ticket.
“My friend had left a Mars bar on the dashboard for me, to say thanks for the lift, but he had accidentally put part of the chocolate over my permit.”
Euphemism of the Day: he’d put part of his chocolate over her permit.
This is a truly heartbreaking tale. It is almost unthinkable that items as innocuous as a lone glove and a Mars bar could be directly responsible for unleashing such pain on the vulnerable in society. Not that Irene is going down without a fight, of course:
The former head of the old Westminster School, in Westcliff, added: “I couldn’t believe they could all be so heartless. I know you have to display the permit clearly, but it wasn’t completely covered. It was quite obvious I had a permit. I absolutely refuse to pay these fines.
“I will go to prison before I pay a penny. It’s too silly for words and just so unfair.”
The council has promised to look into the incidents after the Echo raised them with it.
She’ll get off. Retired headmistresses always do.
Worms in the news…
…it simply doesn’t happen enough.
Dunfermline Press, 29 October 2010 (story):
Harry’s war on the worms!
A ROSYTH gardener fears he may never win his war against an invasive garden pest – despite killing more than 3000 of them at his allotment in eight years.
Harry Boyle (78), Mitchell Walk, is attempting to rid his plot of the New Zealand flatworm. The creatures feed on the common earthworm resulting in reduced soil quality.
Harry has had his plot at Rosyth allotments, King’s Road, for 40 years but only noticed the ugly little worms in 1998.
In 2002 he decided to keep a tally of all those he killed.
This tallying of victims is a classic trait of a cold-blooded serial killer. It starts with worms, but who next? One look into these piercing, deadened eyes, and there can be little doubt it will soon be the other allotment holders:
Scientific fact alert: if you can breed canaries, you can count flatworms no bother!
He said, “I used to breed canaries for 30 years so counting flatworms is no bother.
“I fill a diary in each day and I’ve killed 10 today!
So far he has killed 3100 of the flatworms but remains puzzled as to why they continue to blight his plot despite his single-minded efforts to destroy them.
This is exactly how Nazi Germany started.
Wiggly thanks to Ian McColville for turning the soil of this story in his local paper.
