The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for the ‘Sensational headlines’ Category

Silly string attack on boy carrying owl

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As a child I used to get harassed by teen ruffians in my provincial coastal hometown too, but it was only ever over my extraordinary bike stabilisers or extraordinary home haircuts. Never over anything as extraordinary as an owl.

Morecambe Visitor, 25 October 2012 (story): 

Silly string attack on boy carrying owl 

An 11-year-old boy was punched and sprayed with ‘silly string’ by a gang of teenagers – who were trying to steal an owl.

The bird had been taken by the boy and his friend to be displayed at an event just off Morecambe Promenade last Saturday.

The pair were walking along Euston Road between 3pm and 4pm when they were approached by the gang of around 10 teenagers outside Pound Fever.

One of the gang said “Give me your owl,” and adopted a boxing pose.

With an outstretched arm he then sprayed both boys with the silly string while shouting abuse.

The shocked 11-year-old boy, who is from Morecambe, threw his drink at the teen before taking the owl from his friend. He was then twice punched to the side of the head as he and his friend fled in separate directions.

PC Ben Hanley said: “This is a really odd incident.”

Tit for tat + twit twoo = a twit for twat twoo incident, more like.

Written by Paddy

February 18, 2013 at 4:09 pm

Jerk chicken pandemonium

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Who knew that a general fondness for chicken could result in mass pandemonium, defecation in front gardens and, worse, rogue parking? Not the concerned residents of Lewisham.

You would think a museum which calls itself ‘Horniman’ should know the perils of a ‘jerk’.

Lewisham News Shopper, 23 April 2012 (story): 

Museum plans threatened by jerk chicken ‘pandemonium’

A MUSEUM which wants an extension to its booze licence has a fight on its hands from people who remember “pandemonium” when 20,000 jerk chicken fans descended on the premises in 2009.

Hungry masses flocked to the Horniman Museum event, craving a taste of the spicy Caribbean food and tempted by the appearance of Reggae Reggae Sauce founder Levi Roots and kids’ TV favourite Floella Benjamin.

But the Forest Hill museum has pledged people will not see scenes like those again, after it was claimed that roads were gridlocked, cars were parked in residents’ drives, and people brawled in the streets over spaces.

horniman_jerk

Scores of residents have written objection letters to Lewisham Council over new licence plans, one even claiming: “During the festival there were numerous, quite appalling instances of visitors urinating and defecating in residents’ front gardens.”

Terrible scenes, but at least they weren’t jerking in the front garden? Every cloud, etc.

If you don’t think you’ve experienced pandemonium in your life so far, just imagine what it’s like to see people tearing up parking tickets and then having to cancel a family meal, because that’s apparently what pandemonium is.

David Lister, 67 of Sydenham Rise, told News Shopper chaos was caused by the museum’s lack of parking facilities.

He said: “The jerk festival was pandemonium. People were just tearing parking tickets up and throwing them in the air.

“I had to cancel my family coming to dinner because people had parked in my drive. There were even cars on the lawn.”

ARRRGGHHH! CARS on the LAWN!!!

Thank you to Gez Daring.

Written by Paddy

January 16, 2013 at 7:33 pm

Billboard roundup

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Newspaper billboards are devised to attract the attention of passers-by and make them part with cash for a newspaper they might not otherwise have bought. Often, the billboards are better than the papers themselves. Just you try resisting any of these.

Brighton Argus:

That’s no way to talk about the police.

Whitby Gazette:

A bridge club for swingers, surely. How else could it be newsworthy?

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette:

For those not in the know, a Parmo is a cult local delicacy on Teesside. Basically a heart attack in a box and, apparently, best eaten at gunpoint.

Thanks to D.B.

Written by Paddy

January 26, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Stinkogeddon in Spalding

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The stench of mystery is plaguing the market town of Spalding, Lincolnshire. This could be the whodunnit to end all whodunnits.

Spalding Guardian, 13 January 2011 (story):

Police bid to catch Spalding stink bomber

POLICE are hunting a hooded man in his 50s who is targeting charity shops with stink bombs.

The man – in his 50s – repeatedly preys on the Cancer Research shop in Hall Place and the Lincolnshire and Nottinghamshire Air Ambulance shop in Sheepmarket.

The stink bombs smell like rotten eggs and the stench is so powerful that customers arriving at the shops are opening the door and going away again.

Lisa Winkley, manager of the Cancer Research shop, said the stink bombs are usually let off amongst the books on the ground floor.

Staff have to throw books away and the foul smell fills the retail area and both upper floors.

Mrs Winkley said: “It’s absolutely disgusting. It’s foul. It has a smell of its own.

“Last time we caught it in time – he didn’t manage to break it properly and I was able to get the stink bomb out. I chucked it in our bin outside.”

Whoever smelt it dealt it.

It’s hard to know what the Spalding Stink Bomber’s motive could possibly be. Perhaps he regards his campaign of olfactory vandalism as a legitimate form of direct political action in protest at the government’s overburdening of the charity sector as part of its ‘Big Society’ cuts agenda. That would be fair enough.

More cynically, I can’t help suspecting this whole thing has merely been cooked up by the charity shop staff in order to conceal their own unconscionable levels of flatulence.

Whoever denied it supplied it.

The attacks began last summer and, after a brief lull, they began again with a vengeance – often on Wednesdays.

Celia Laverton, manager of the air ambulance shop, said: “It’s happening at least once a week now.”

The stench lingers for around 45 minutes – and that’s after she’s opened the door, switched on fans, sprayed air fresheners and lit incense cones.

Mrs Winkley said her regular customers are now so used to the stink bomb attacks that they continue to shop – but others simply walk away after opening the front door.

PC Paul Smith, Spalding town centre beat manager, said he’s seen isolated incidents of youngsters letting off stink bombs in shops as a prank but in 22 years of policing has never come across a concerted campaign like this against charity shops.

He said: “If the gentleman has got a problem with the shops then I would say please bring it forward properly and stop picking on charity shops who are trying to collect money for charitable causes.”

If the police ever catch this stink-bombing scoundrel, then the most appropriate course of action would surely be to let him off. Boom boom, thank you, and goodnight.

Thanks to Paul Widdowfield for kicking up a stink and submitting this story.

Written by Paddy

January 24, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Paedogeddon in Bromley

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Trying to think of reasons to object to a planning application to convert a house into a nursery? Traffic, obviously… Noise, of course… And sod it, throw in paedophiles for good measure.

Back with a vengeance: ANGRY residents. How we have missed you.

Thanks to Tabloid Watch for the photo.

Bromley News Shopper, 31 October 2010 (story):

ANGRY residents are campaigning against a house being turned into a nursery because they fear it will increase noise and traffic and could attract paedophiles.

Sunnyfields Day Nurseries Ltd has applied to Bromley Council for permission to turn residential house number 5 Pickhurst Park in Bromley into a nursery for up to 52 children. Around 30 people living nearby have written to the council and more than 140 have signed a petition to oppose the application.

Mum-of-two Natalie Rooney, aged 30, said: “We think there will be traffic problems because of all the parents dropping off and picking up their children.

“We think there will be noise problems because the children will be playing outdoors. We are also worried that paedophiles will be attracted to the area to be close to the nursery.”

Shariff and Hussaina Syed, aged 69 and 61, live next door to number 5, and they fear paedophiles could move into the flats overlooking the property to be close to the children.

Mrs Syed, 61, said: “There are flats overlooking and people could move in there and watch the children. It is a possibility it could happen.”

But why stop at paedophile possibilities? (Now there’s a question.) It is a possibility that rumours of a new ‘nursery’ in the area could attract wayward gardeners, who are, frankly, always very annoying.  It is a possibility the conversion work may involve wolf-whistling builders. It is a possibility one of the nursery tots could strap themselves up with explosives and detonate youthful carnage in the playground, causing minor damage to residents’ vehicles parked nearby.

THESE are the objections the residents should be raising if they’re serious about defeating this nursery application.

While we’re here: shame on the Bromley News Shopper‘s sub-editors for resorting to Daily Express headlines in order to try and shift copies.

Written by Paddy

November 15, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Call him Mr Vader, call him Mr Wrong

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This is certainly a case of a salesman using too much ‘Force’.

I love this reference to the ‘Winsford woman’s answerphone’. I think it’s the new ‘middle England’.

Winsford Guardian, 22 September 2010 (story):

‘Darth Vader’ man found guilty

A 29-YEAR-OLD who left a message in the style of ‘Darth Vader’ on a Winsford woman’s answerphone has been found guilty of aggressive commercial practice.

On the opening day of the trial, the court heard how the defendant, who worked for Luton-based Forever Active, had called Valerie Rawlins, aged 57, on June 17 with the intention to sell her a mobility scooter.

Peter Moss, prosecuting, said: “The claimant was not a person who needed a mobility scooter.

“She remembered receiving a letter through her letter box and the defendant phoned at 12.03pm with a view to engaging her with the prospect of purchasing a scooter.

“She immediately said no because of the leaflet.

“She said ‘I do not want to buy one thank you, good bye’, and put the phone down.

Some wonderful lawspeak there: ‘…with a view to engaging her with the prospect of purchasing a scooter’. They make it sound so sordid. And rightfully so.

BUT IT DIDN’T STOP THERE. Oh no…

“Undeterred by that this defendant between 12.03pm and 12.15pm then embarked on a mission.

“He made his first set of calls in a 12 minute period and the calls became increasingly menacing.”

Mr Moss added that the defendant had threatened he may stop her benefits or pension if she did not buy a scooter.

He said that on a voicemail message Honegan had put on a false voice, and said: “It was a Darth Vader voice, a menacing voice, in which he said ‘we know where you are’.”

Honegan is to be sentenced on October 8, at Chester Crown Court.

Which of us hasn’t adopted a joke Darth Vader voice at some point in time…? It’s surely an everyday occurrence, and not really worthy of a sentencing. PC gone mad, etc.

Thank you to Peter Ball, no relation to Johnny.

Written by Paddy

October 6, 2010 at 11:25 am

Local pride: hundreds of homes for sale today

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Irrefutable proof that a local newspaper headline about the littering habits of late-night drunks can have an instant effect on the area’s property markets:

Thanks to Gordon Skillen for taking this recent photo of a billboard for the Bournemouth Daily Echo. Anyone looking to capitalise on falling house prices should probably start looking in Bournemouth now.

Written by Paddy

September 30, 2010 at 11:09 am

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