Category Archives: Upstanding locals
Bastard pensioner targets bastard aristocrats
It’s excellent to see the sophisticated OAPs of the north-east beginning to take direct action where it matters. The Northern Echo, 21 February 2011 (story): Water supply feud leads to pensioner’s threat to Percy family POLICE have been alerted after … Continue reading
Stinkogeddon in Spalding
The stench of mystery is plaguing the market town of Spalding, Lincolnshire. This could be the whodunnit to end all whodunnits. Spalding Guardian, 13 January 2011 (story): Police bid to catch Spalding stink bomber POLICE are hunting a hooded man … Continue reading
The 27-year-old woman, who asked not to be named…
‘Got the hump’! Ahahahahaha…!! Haaarggghh! Clearly, all that journalism training really served this Bridgwater Mercury reporter very well indeed. Bridgwater Mercury, 7 January 2011 (story): Woman gets stuck after taking ‘short cut’ THE driver of this car got the hump … Continue reading
Filed under Justice, Upstanding locals
Worms in the news…
…it simply doesn’t happen enough. Dunfermline Press, 29 October 2010 (story): Harry’s war on the worms! A ROSYTH gardener fears he may never win his war against an invasive garden pest – despite killing more than 3000 of them at … Continue reading
Filed under Heartless bastards, Upstanding locals
The defence had a leg to stand on
One from the archives: this is an all-time classic court report from Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette. Some wonderful detail, great quotes, and Simon Bland really is ‘one of life’s characters’. Probably best just to let the story do the talking… Middlesbrough … Continue reading
Accolade alert: Croydon’s most famous smoker
Local papers can never resist the lure of a story about an old dear. Mind you, you can’t really blame them when the old dear in question was so ruthlessly dedicated to smoking that she only gave up once she … Continue reading
Filed under One of our own, Upstanding locals
Some Flatmates Do ‘Ave ‘Em
You try and do your flatmate a favour, and what thanks do you get? Public humiliation in the local paper, that’s what. Bristol Evening Post, 7 October 2010 (story): Bristol couple left feeling empty after ‘hapless’ flatmate loads up wrong … Continue reading
Filed under Gazette Faces, Heartless bastards, Upstanding locals
Call him Mr Vader, call him Mr Wrong
This is certainly a case of a salesman using too much ‘Force’. I love this reference to the ‘Winsford woman’s answerphone’. I think it’s the new ‘middle England’. Winsford Guardian, 22 September 2010 (story): ‘Darth Vader’ man found guilty A … Continue reading
Filed under Consumer rights, Sensational headlines, Upstanding locals
Widow + foxy nappy = not happy
It’s interesting when news reports open with irrelevant detail about the person involved in the story; particularly when style guide conventions mean the detail is in capital letters. “A WIDOW says foxes are raiding rubbish bags…” Does widow status lend … Continue reading
Filed under Upstanding locals, Widows
‘Swan eyed polling card like a piece of bread’
The multitudinous hurdles encountered by The Great British Public in attempting to exercise its vote in the recent general election have been well documented in the national media. But the turnout on 6 May wasn’t only limited by the damp … Continue reading
Filed under Bravery, Sensational headlines, Upstanding locals
Tits and nuts
Calling the people of Sunbury-on-Thames, Surrey, England… you are one step closer to the glory of knowing you have spawned the face of BigD nuts. Staines News, 21 May 2010 (story): Sunbury Page 3 girl wants your vote PAGE 3 … Continue reading
Filed under Flashers, One of our own, Upstanding locals
I’ve never voted Tory before, but we’ve got to eat puppies
The nether regions does not endorse orchestrated campaigns of vandalism or crude insults, except for when they’re directed at Tory election candidates. Failed Tory candidate Nick King ran crying to the Bournemouth Echo when his election posters were targeted as … Continue reading
Filed under Getting oneself in the paper, Moral outrage, Upstanding locals
‘Got to put it away now’
Many newspapers would pass up the opportunity to run a story like this. Thankfully the Lancashire Telegraph is not so picky, and delves into the matter with great gusto. Lancashire Telegraph, 12 April 2010 (story): Blackburn shop calls security over … Continue reading
Filed under Consumer rights, Heartless bastards, Moral outrage, Upstanding locals
Does not have a stable address
This isn’t just your bog-standard equine smutfest. Yorkshire Evening Post, 12 April 2010 (story): Man admits sex with horse and donkey A 66-year-old man has pleaded guilty to having sex with a horse and a donkey. Joseph Squires appeared at … Continue reading
Filed under Flashers, Upstanding locals
