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In this case, timewarped and tiny north-eastern fishing village and depressing Sunday afternoon family outing hotspot of my youth,  Staithes, bites back. And excitingly, it bites back in the form of a letter from Winifred Craig, who writes under a name designed for a 243 year-old while inexplicably claiming to be just 76.

An extra interesting fact about Staithes before you move on: the demented locals pronounce it as ‘Steers’. So there.

Whitby Gazette, 16 March 2011 (letter):

The people of Staithes DO care

I read with horror and consternation the article of 15 March headed ‘I drive by when I see village sign Staithes’.

It was then when I came to the paragraph – ‘you should resign yourself to the fact that Staithes does not care whether you visit or not’ – I became outraged.

How dare he. As an original of Staithes of some 76 years and having lived and travelled worldwide I have seen some horrendous sights and smells, he makes Staithes seem like the aftermath of Tsunami.

The people of Staithes do care. We have a very dedicated council employee who does a magnificent job of cleaning the village and if anything above his job is brought to his attention he will do his utmost to resolve it. But the writer puts the cap fairly and squarely on the right head when he mentions Scarborough Borough Council. They do not seem to care about these little villages and concentrate money, time and effort on Scarborough, as he duly notes.

And as for the polluted beach and water, this is because of the groin being in the wrong place and the cutting off of the tidal flow from the north and south sides of the piers, which has never been rectified. Please don’t blame the locals, blame bureaucracy and the indifference of the council who should care, but don’t.

This isn’t the first time a wrongly-placed groin will have cut off something’s flow. Right lads?

Oh dear.

Oh, and by the way, my husband has a blue badge and as we live at the top of the bank and as he cannot walk more than a few feet after suffering a stroke, finds it impossible to visit our old home on the seafront, and know why, it’s because since the council laid the new cobblestones it shakes him up so much it makes him ill.

So writer, if you have any clout at all, get in touch with Scarborough Borough Council and justify your remarks. You never know, you may succeed where others have failed.

Winifred Craig, Cliff Road, Staithes

Surely these cobblestones are in contravention of disability legislation? If Staithes shakes up people in wheelchairs to the point of illness, then the original article probably made a fair recommendation about driving by drive by the village sign.

The Northern Echo, 21 February 2011 (story):

Water supply feud leads to pensioner’s threat to Percy family

POLICE have been alerted after a pensioner who changed his name to Bastard threatened to ruin the wedding of a North-East aristocrat.

Michael McNamara, 71, has vowed to disrupt the wedding service of Lady Katie Percy, the eldest daughter of the Duke and Duchess of Northumberland.

The pensioner wrote to Lady Katie – a friend of Prince William and Kate Middleton – to say he and a gang of relatives would turn up at the event.

Mr McNamara, who in recent years changed his name by Deed Poll to Michael ”Bastard” McNamara, said he was warned he faced arrest if he caused trouble.

What on earth could have led to this Bastard developing such a grudge against his rich and privileged bastard neighbours? A water supply, of course.

It is believed Mr McNamara developed a grudge against the Percy family following a dispute over the water supply at his home.

He has bombarded the Duke and Duchess, and Northumbria Police, with foul-mouthed and insulting postcards for many years.

He told The Journal in Newcastle: ”I’ve sent postcards to the police all my life. The Duchess used to get one every year but I sent one to her and her daughter last Friday.

”The police just said ‘How would you like it if they sent it to me?’

”I told them I was going to the wedding and they said that if I went I was going to get arrested. I said, ‘I will see you at the wedding’.”

No messin’. Hats off. Go on you Bastard!

Thanks to Nick Henegan.

Southend Echo, 24 February 2011 (story):

Just who is the phantom tyre dumper?

A COUNCIL has been urged to use spy powers to help find the now notorious Canvey tyre dumper.

Another 25 tyres have been dumped on the island, this time in Haven Road and near the entrance to a caravan park.

More than 1,000 tyres have been dumped over a series of nights since mid-December, but so far the police and council have failed to catch the culprit.

Jane King, Canvey Island Independent Party councillor for Canvey West, believes Castle Point Council should use any available law to find the person responsible.

“Something must be done, because Canvey shouldn’t be a dumping ground. These tyres are costing the tax payer a fortune to get rid of.”

Oh look, here comes the obligatory single-issue local politican, no doubt hoping to make a name for themselves where others fear to tread.

Oh, and look, here’s the obligatory concerned local resident who only gets worked up about the odd bit of litter despite all of the more pressing evils in society:

Elizabeth Swann spotted the latest pile of tyres when she left her home in Haven Road on Monday morning.

She said: “I saw all these tyres on the side of the road, and thought, ‘Oh no, not again’.

“We had the same thing here about a fortnight ago, although that time they left them all scattered down the road. This time they’d been left in a neater pile.”

Ah, finally, these cold hearted and conniving tyre-dumping bastards have found it in their hearts to leave their rubbery deposits in a neat pile. Just goes to show that even fly-tippers have a conscience.

Thanks to Roddy Campbell for leaving this mess of a story in a neat pile in my Inbox.

Basingstoke Gazette, 21 February 2011 (story):

Fluff needed for patchwork quilt

IT’S certainly an unusual request – but a Basingstoke art teacher is appealing for people to donate the fluff from their tumble dryer filters.

Julie Parker, a teacher at Cranbourne Business and Enterprise College, is making a patchwork quilt using the recycled material – but so far, she only has enough to make one square metre.

It is one of several unusual pieces of art that Ms Parker has challenged herself to make, having previously created a shirt using hair and a mattress from tumble dryer lint.

She said of her new project: “It’s based on the nostalgia and history of patchworks – you knew who the pieces of fabric had come from. My work is about human traces and the absent body.

“I started working with dust and made a video using dust. I also made a mattress out of tumble dryer lint, and it’s got birth, death and life all in the mattress with traces of people.”

Traces of people? Will somebody please call the police and tell them we’ve got a lead which could finally empty out that ‘Unsolved Murders in Basingstoke 1972-1998′ book.

They’ll call anything ‘art’ these days of course.

The Northern Echo, 17 February 2011 (story):

Horse pervert is spared jail again

A CONVICTED sex offender narrowly avoided being sent to prison yesterday after he admitted stroking ponies – despite a court ban.

Retired farmworker David Chamberlin was barred from approaching tethered animals as part of an order after he admitted outraging public decency by committing a lewd act with a horse in 2009.

In 2009, he was caught when the owner of the horse spotted Chamberlin acting suspiciously in a field in Billingham, near Stockton. The farmer saw the animal’s head being pulled down towards Chamberlin’s groin.

Shocked and disgusted, he hit Chamberlin with a stick, which caused the horse to run off, dragging Chamberlin across the field.

Long serving readers may recall this character’s previous appearance on The nether regions in relation to the previous lewd act in 2009. His inimitable shabby-red-jacket-and-fag-in-mouth combo is unforgettable:

The best thing about this story is this extraordinary set of comments from the District Judge.

District Judge Kristina Harrison said: “I find it very strange behaviour that any man would want to stick his penis in a horse’s mouth, quite frankly.”

“By being on bail for a long time, he seems to have moved on from horses to prostitutes which is not a particularly good development.

“He has got to refrain from behaving in the manner that he does. I would like to stop him behaving in a bizarre sexual fashion.”

I bet they’ll have had a laugh about this back in the press gallery.

Thanks to Nick Henegan for this story.

Huddersfield Examiner, 25 January 2011:

Please wipe your feet

I AM sure I am not on my own when I say how annoying it is when you have visitors to your house who refuse to wipe their shoes, although you have provided a door mat. I have a daily battle against trainers, shoes, boots etc.

If there is an inventor somewhere who could come up with a device that would ask people to politely wipe their feet on entering your house door, it would be a number one seller.

Until then I remain an annoyed, constant hall carpet cleaner.

READER, Netherton

Hmmm, if only a really clever inventor somewhere could come up with something like, you know, a doormat with words on or something.

Turns out this disconcertingly vaguely named ‘READER’ is not the only one prepared to speak out on this sorry mess:

Huddersfield Examiner, 8 February 2011:

Please wipe your feet

LIKE your Netherton reader (Mailbag, January 25) I also am annoyed when people do not wipe their feet on the door mat provided (back and front) of my house. I always do so at other people’s homes.

It must be second nature to me. I cannot remember being told when I was much younger. Perhaps telling the children will have the desired effect for the next generation.

Mrs E Taylor
Golcar

Here come the bloody ‘better at wiping my feet than thou’ brigade…

Good orange holding technique there.

Mmmmm, and what wonderfully fresh and juicy pipless oranges at that… what else could one wish for? Apart from some long, thin cheese flavoured pastry items, of course.

I’m sure I recognise her face. Turns out she is Louth’s leading gift-giver, of previous sausage roll fame. Incredible scenes.

If there is a sudden boom in baby births in Louth in nine months’ time, the Louth Leader is clearly to blame:

And yet more sweet snacks…

It’s time to comprehensively list the goodies the benevolent Louth Leader has given away to its readership in recent months:

• a free scone;
• free butchers’ sausages;
• a free sausage roll;
• a free Cadbury Bliss bar;
• a free mince pie;
• free jewellery;
• free bath fizz hearts;
• free doughnuts;
• free soup;
• a holiday for just £10;
• free cheese straws;
• a free valentine’s love heart biscuit; and
• a free gingerbread man.

Bloody hell. And to think newspapers were once all about news.

York Press, 11 February 2011 (story):

‘Gloves’ caused bomb scare

THE bomb scare which delayed thousands of York commuters and forced the evacuation of hundreds of workers was caused by a pair of gloves, it has emerged.

A large part of York city centre was brought to a standstill for more than two hours on Wednesday morning after a suspect package was found in the mail room of Aviva’s Yorkshire House office on Rougier Street, at about 7.20am.

The Press has now learned from sources in the emergency services that the package, addressed to a senior executive, contained a pair of gloves with a heating element.

Staff were concerned about the package, and called the emergency services, which led to the deployment of a bomb disposal team.

It’s not that often a package gets more suspicious  once the authorities have established what’s in it. In the absence of any further details, the mind boggles. What type of gloves were these? They might have been a lovely pair of mittens, given that those spacious hand compartments would be very appropriate for storing copious explosives. Or perhaps they were fingerless gloves, no doubt the prehensile sheath of choice for the sophisticated glove bomber.

It appears some of the locals were very unhappy with this whole episode:

GOD-UHHH. How typical of boring bloody York to not even have a real bomb and get destroyed or something, just to liven the place up. Zzzzz zzzz zzz.

Thanks for this story go to exiled York resident Daniel Gray (stramashthebook.com), no doubt the sender of this suspicious package in the first bloody place.

Reading Post, 6 November 2010 (story):

Mum and daughter rescued from bog

A mother and teenage daughter were rescued when they became trapped in a bog in South Reading this afternoon.

A police helicopter located the pair who were walking a Jack Russell dog in the flood plain of the River Kennet near Big Yellow Self Storage in Rose Kiln Lane.

The daughter had sunk to her chest in the muddy bog and her mother was lying next to her with one leg submerged.

Because the girl was in such danger, a firefighter and police officer entered the bog to rescue her at once.

I bet that’s the last time this pair will be reaching for their copy of Flood Plain Strolls of Britain when they fancy a stretch of the legs.

The story on the Reading Post website features a gripping video of the rescue bid, replete with commentary by concerned emergency services staff. It’s a must-watch if you’re amused by the idea of seeing four Power Rangers needing their maximum strength to drag this big old unit from a bog:

Crew manager Crook said there was a real danger she would sink blelow the surface.

He said: “It is particulary dangerous if you keep moving about. It is the worst thing you can do.”

He added: “The dog was rescued first. He hadn’t sunk in at all.”

In that case, you’d think the dog would have helped. But no. So much for being man’s best friend.