January 28, 2011

Not really cardboard cut-out for a career in sales

This is a very sad episode in the life of Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette.

It’s all very well that local newspapers publish classified adverts so the locals can wheel and deal in household appliances and the like, but when such adverts become the story it’s a different matter, and surely the lowest form of regional media coverage.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 26 November 2010 (story):

Billingham hubby says goodbye to Angelina

A DIE-HARD Angelina Jolie fan is parting company with his beloved Lara Croft life-sized cut-out after his wife took a disliking to her.

Michael Coleman has decided to go his separate ways from the imitation Tomb Raider heroine after nine happy years together.

Michael said: “Angelina used to get quite a bit of attention from my mates. They used to think she was mint but Julie didn’t like her.”

But the couple are now planning a move to the Stevenage area, where Julie’s brother lives, and Michael has decided it’s time to say goodbye to Angelina.

Michael, of Evesham Way, Billingham, said: “Apart from my wife, Angelina is the perfect woman. I want her to go to a good home.” The unemployed kitchen and bathroom fitter, who recently qualified after completing a college course, has put the figure, his “pride and joy”, up for sale.

Is it a requirement of being a qualified kitchen and bathroom fitter that you wear a jumper which advertises your tiling skills?

Clearly, the Evening Gazette doesn’t quite command the consumer pulling power everybody thought it did:

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 4 January 2011 (story):

Teessiders snub Billingham ‘Angelina Jolie’ sale

ONE of the world’s most beautiful Hollywood stars has been snubbed by Teessiders.

Despite attracting a flurry of attention on the Gazette’s website after featuring in our paper, few prospective buyers put their money where their mouth was to bid for the beauty. Disappointed by the reaction, Michael, 35, and his wife Julie, of Evesham Way, have now decided she can stay put.

The unemployed kitchen and bathroom fitter said: “I thought she would have been in popular demand but we did not really get that many offers.

“She folds in half and she is on top of the wardrobe. I don’t know if we will have her on display again, if we get a games room maybe.”

The mum of seven, whose children range in age from 13 to 25, said: “When we got burgled it put the wind up me seeing her there.”

But she said: “I’m quite happy to keep hold of her. In a few years she could be worth a bit more and we can pass her down through the family.”

Julie said her grandaughter Kelsie Willans, three, even has a look of the star. She said: “The cut-out might even go to Kelsie. She will probably look like her because she is gorgeous. She has the same lips.”

Yeah, your grandaughter probably will look like Angelina Jolie, obviously.

And no doubt one day you’re going to try and flog her in the local newspaper too, are you, are you? Shameful stuff.

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Filed under Celebs in the 'hood, Getting oneself in the paper, Utter bullshit

January 26, 2011

Billboard roundup

Newspaper billboards are devised to attract the attention of passers-by and make them part with cash for a newspaper they might not otherwise have bought. Often, the billboards are better than the papers themselves. Just you try resisting any of these.

Brighton Argus:

That’s no way to talk about the police.

Whitby Gazette:

A bridge club for swingers, surely. How else could it be newsworthy?

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette:

For those not in the know, a Parmo is a cult local delicacy on Teesside. Basically a heart attack in a box and, apparently, best eaten at gunpoint.

Thanks to D.B.

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Filed under Sensational headlines

January 24, 2011

Stinkogeddon in Spalding

The stench of mystery is plaguing the market town of Spalding, Lincolnshire. This could be the whodunnit to end all whodunnits.

Spalding Guardian, 13 January 2011 (story):

Police bid to catch Spalding stink bomber

POLICE are hunting a hooded man in his 50s who is targeting charity shops with stink bombs.

The man – in his 50s – repeatedly preys on the Cancer Research shop in Hall Place and the Lincolnshire and Nottinghamshire Air Ambulance shop in Sheepmarket.

The stink bombs smell like rotten eggs and the stench is so powerful that customers arriving at the shops are opening the door and going away again.

Lisa Winkley, manager of the Cancer Research shop, said the stink bombs are usually let off amongst the books on the ground floor.

Staff have to throw books away and the foul smell fills the retail area and both upper floors.

Mrs Winkley said: “It’s absolutely disgusting. It’s foul. It has a smell of its own.

“Last time we caught it in time – he didn’t manage to break it properly and I was able to get the stink bomb out. I chucked it in our bin outside.”

Whoever smelt it dealt it.

It’s hard to know what the Spalding Stink Bomber’s motive could possibly be. Perhaps he regards his campaign of olfactory vandalism as a legitimate form of direct political action in protest at the government’s overburdening of the charity sector as part of its ‘Big Society’ cuts agenda. That would be fair enough.

More cynically, I can’t help suspecting this whole thing has merely been cooked up by the charity shop staff in order to conceal their own unconscionable levels of flatulence.

Whoever denied it supplied it.

The attacks began last summer and, after a brief lull, they began again with a vengeance – often on Wednesdays.

Celia Laverton, manager of the air ambulance shop, said: “It’s happening at least once a week now.”

The stench lingers for around 45 minutes – and that’s after she’s opened the door, switched on fans, sprayed air fresheners and lit incense cones.

Mrs Winkley said her regular customers are now so used to the stink bomb attacks that they continue to shop – but others simply walk away after opening the front door.

PC Paul Smith, Spalding town centre beat manager, said he’s seen isolated incidents of youngsters letting off stink bombs in shops as a prank but in 22 years of policing has never come across a concerted campaign like this against charity shops.

He said: “If the gentleman has got a problem with the shops then I would say please bring it forward properly and stop picking on charity shops who are trying to collect money for charitable causes.”

If the police ever catch this stink-bombing scoundrel, then the most appropriate course of action would surely be to let him off. Boom boom, thank you, and goodnight.

Thanks to Paul Widdowfield for kicking up a stink and submitting this story.

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Filed under Heartless bastards, Sensational headlines, Upstanding locals

January 20, 2011

Hair today, suspended from the Town Council tomorrow

Reasons why Town Councils simply should not be  allowed to exist #743: this story.

Reasons why Town Councils are an essential part of Our Way of Life #3: this most extraordinary of wigs…

The Northern Echo, 14 January 2011 (story):

Council chair dispute settled

A COUNCILLOR was suspended for a month yesterday after a tribunal ruled on an argument over who was first sitting in a chair.

Councillor Billy Blenkinsopp’s suspension marks the end of a 16- month row with Councillor Dorothy Bowman which he estimates has cost the taxpayer £50,000.

The pair, both members of Great Aycliffe Town Council, fell out when Coun Bowman sat down at a town council meeting on September 9, 2009.

While councillors do not have reserved seats they often sit in the same place, and Coun Blenkinsopp believed Coun Bowman was sitting in someone else’s chair.

The tribunal found that Coun Blenkinsopp told Coun Bowman to “p*** off” which he denied – claiming he told her to “get down her own end”.

Is that a euphemism? If so, I’m sure we can all agree such actions should have no place in a council chamber.

Turns out he’s a Lib Dem: hardly a surprise, given their recent behaviour in general. I wonder if this kind of thing is increasingly common around the Cabinet table in No. 10?

Yesterday’s tribunal was held after Coun Blenkinsopp, a former jockey who has served on various councils for 24 years, appealed against the three-month ban.

Coun Blenkinsopp told the tribunal that “tradition dictates” he, as deputy leader, should sit next to Bob Fleming, the then leader of the town council, as he had done that evening.

Coun Bowman said she had gone to sit in her usual place, next door but one to the leader, which she claimed prompted Coun Blenkinsopp’s four-letter out burst.

There’s something not quite right about describing a mere use of ‘piss’ as a “four-letter outburst”. Maybe if suspended Liberal Democrat Councillor Billy Blenkinsopp had gone for a ‘fuck’, a ‘twat’, a ‘cunt’ or a ‘COCK’, yes, but not just a ‘piss’, surely? Oh, and hello to those of you who are just joining us via Google.

A grateful tip of the wig to Nicky Sawicki for unearthing this gem.

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Filed under Council hatred, Justice, One of our own

January 19, 2011

Newspaper appeal: ‘Please confirm I’m not going mad’

Sometimes, even the imagination of a booze-soaked fantasist can become the news.

The Shields Gazette, 17 January 2011 (story):

Can you help solve pub mystery?

A GAZETTE reader has asked South Tynesiders to help solve a pub ‘mystery’.

The woman hopes someone will remember a watering hole that she believes was built on South Shields seafront in the late 1980s.

But she hasn’t been able to find anyone else who remembers the short-lived bar and is praying someone can shed some light on the pub to “confirm I’m not going mad”.

She said: “After the burning down of Frankie’s Cafe, situated on the seafront in 1988, a new pub was built shortly afterwards, not directly on the same site but close by.

“This, I seem to remember, did not last very long. It may also have burned to the ground, but I do recall being there on one Saturday evening.

“I would love to know what the name of this pub was and maybe see a photograph of it just to confirm that I’m not going mad.”

If you can help solve the mystery of the pub’s identity, call 427 4852.

YER DRUNK, YER MAKING IT UP, AND YER GOING MAD, luv.

Thanks to Dan Coggins.

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Filed under Utter bullshit

January 17, 2011

The Great Louth Leader Giveaway, contd. contd.

With public spending cuts beginning to bite, the Louth Leader continues its incredible freebie frenzy in a desperate bid to single-handedly salvage the Lincolnshire economy.

We’ve already seen them give away a free scone, some free butcher’s Lincolnshire sausages and a free jumbo sausage roll to each reader, but it hasn’t stopped there. Louth’s collective gluttony has continued unabated.

Mmmm! That FREE Cadbury chocolate bar was just the boost I needed after a hard day in the office. In fact, I must confess I now having something of a sweet tooth.

Oh yes, that delicious FREE mince pie well and truly hit the spot. And what a gorgeous red paper napkin thrown in for good measure.

I’m quite full now, I must say, so inevitably my thoughts are turning away from food and instead to how wonderful it would be if I had a well-populated charm bracelet to show off on my wrist while eating all of this stuff…

Oh, Louth Leader, you shouldn’t have… I adore it. Now I shall be the envy of all Louth.

Fuck it: I’m hungry again now, and frankly I could do with a cheap holiday as well.

Om nom nom nom. I see you’re still here. Do you mind? I’m eating.

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Filed under Community spirit, Free goodies

January 12, 2011

The 27-year-old woman, who asked not to be named…

‘Got the hump’! Ahahahahaha…!! Haaarggghh!

Clearly, all that journalism training really served this Bridgwater Mercury reporter very well indeed.

Bridgwater Mercury, 7 January 2011 (story):

Woman gets stuck after taking ‘short cut’

THE driver of this car got the hump – after trying to take a short cut out of a car park near Bridgwater.

The 27-year-old woman, who asked not to be named, told the Mercury she felt “pretty stupid” after getting stuck on this grass hump after trying to take a more direct exit from a car park in Dunball. Passing farmers Tom Woodhouse and Andrew Bateman came to the rescue and towed the Renault Clio out.

Mr Bateman said: “Us farmers aren’t all that bad. We’ve helped a few people out of ditches, but I’ve never come across anyone silly enough to try to go over a mound.”

Oh dear. This, of course, opens the floodgates for allsorts of openly sexist automobile ridicule. But still, how typical of a woman driver to make a mountain out of a mound-hill.

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Filed under Justice, Upstanding locals

January 10, 2011

It’s a dog’s life

It seems the concept of dog ownership will always give rise to existential debate in the letters pages of regional newspapers.

This correspondent doesn’t take kindly to another reader’s jibe that not having a dog = not having a life. And he executes his rage with a wonderful level of passive aggression.

Whitby Gazette, 26 March 2008:

Dogs on the beach – the debate continues

May I, as someone who has not got a dog and therefore, according to a previous letter writer has not got a life, speak out for the thousands of people who do not want dogs and therefore also do not have lives.

May I first list the things a dog can offer to people with and without lives.

It can bark, eat, defecate (very often illegally but only where its idle or irresponsible owners allow it to), smell, put its nose in parts of our anatomy where its owners may like it (but those of us without a life definitely don’t), lick your face after it has explored the nether regions of fellow mutts with its tongue, bound up to us lifeless ones and our children and knock them over (he’s only playing you know), copulate with your leg (he really likes you), yap endlessly when left tethered outside shops (he misses his mummy) and chase livestock because it is illegally unleashed.

I offer the paved walk from Prospect Hill to Ruswarp as a regular example but mind where you put your feet.

It cannot smile, talk, think, frown, understand every word you say or use a toilet.

I would sometimes really love to have a life.

But if this involves daily walking around with a bag full of dog faeces in my hand then I think I would rather not have a life and if the only way Ms Barnett can make friends is by having a dog, perhaps she should seek help.

James Smith, Whitby

I must say, it’s too rare that the paved walk from Prospect Hill to Ruswarp is offered as a regular example of anything. Hats off.

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Filed under Letters to the Editor

January 6, 2011

Gazette Faces, Vol. 9

It’s certainly not happy, but it’s not exactly sad. It’s not exactly angry, but it’s certainly not overly pleased. It’s just a vague outline, almost face-like, floating aimlessly somewhere between resigned disappointment and mild bemusement. It’s a Gazette Face, and it gets where water wouldn’t.

Mum’s warning on claim firms (M’brough Evening Gazette)

Grandmother breaks arm in paddling pool wall slip (Southend Echo)

Mustn’t laugh. Although judging by the photo, she’s still perfectly capable of operating a basic hand puppet. Suspicions: aroused.

The wall she slipped on sounds like the most vindictive and calculating wall in existence:

She said: “It is not safe at all. They shouldn’t let anyone, adults or children, along that wall. It is just waiting for a child to slip over and kill themselves.”

Thieves steal house’s Christmas decorations (Southend Standard)

Vandals wreck Cowley family’s Christmas lights display (Oxford Mail)

Middlesbrough care home staff left unpaid (Evening Gazette)

Shame on the two smilers letting the side down. Still, 11 Gazette Faces out of 13 is not to be sniffed at.

Workmen stole next door’s water supply (Southend Echo)

You’d think people would have learnt not to employ cowboys by now. Because, of course, they simply do not have the requisite plumbing qualifications.

COWBOY workmen ran piping from a hairdressers to the funeral directors next door without permission so they could use its water free of charge.

Charity bags stolen from doorsteps in Stockton (M’brough Evening Gazette)

Middlesbrough mum hopes bin plan will end rat nightmare (Evening Gazette)

Councils in pledge to repair potholes (Southend Standard)

It’s alright, Doctor Who (played by Tom Baker) looks like he’s already on the  job.

Exactly how big is ‘the size of a crater’? What next… road cracks as long as a piece of string?

POTHOLES are becoming the size of craters as the big thaw follows the big freeze in south Essex.

There’s more where these came from in the Gazette Faces backlog, of course.

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January 4, 2011

You cheeky mayor!

Suitably refreshed after a festive break and back on the so-called-news trail, let’s get straight back down to business with some good old local government smut from the Christmas period.

This Basildon beauty seems intent on damaging the already dubious reputation of the directly-elected mayor system. And by the way, top marks to the Southend Standard for having the confidence to deploy the always-underutilised ‘snow’ pun as the article’s gambit. BAM! No messing.

Southend Standard, 22 December 2010 (story):

Mayor Mo is town’s Christmas cracker

THERE’S snow mistaking this blonde bombshell!

Basildon’s mayor Mo Larkin is hoping to brighten up the borough’s mood this merry-making season with her official Christmas card.

Mo, who became the borough’s first ever mayor last month, has gone for different approach to her festive card for the second year running.

Instead of opting for a scenic photo of the town, Mo’s annual card features the lady herself glamorously dressed in a snow white coat and purple dress.

She’s also holding a Christmas tree bauble emblazoned with the words “I love you”.

Mo, who coyly admits she is “in her sixties”, said: “I just want the card to cheer people up. Everything is so miserable at the moment with the snow. We’ve got elderly people trapped inside their homes and all sorts going on so if my card cheers just one person up then it’s done its job.”

“I’m not one to do things the traditional way!”

‘Character’ alert. I like Mo’s rather arrogant belief that the arrival of one flimsy Christmas card featuring an egomaniacal local politician dressed up to the high nines could bring any kind of meaningful cheer to an elderly person trapped inside their home. She should get on to Amnesty International to see if they want to send the card to prisoners of conscience around the world, just to give them a laugh as they curl into a quarter-circle while being savagely beaten in their cells. No, really, she should.

For Mayor Mo, life is clearly just about sex, sex, sex. Typical Tory.

Last year the Tory councillor, who was then the chairman of Basildon Council, hit the national headlines with her festive card.

It featured her posing next to a heart-shaped bauble and a Christmas tree.

The card caught the eye of a group of labourers in Ramsgate, who then decided to use Mo as the pin-up on a building site.

Political ambitions: consider yourselves achieved.

Thanks for this story go to Roddy Campbell, who has Mo’s Christmas card proudly displayed in the windscreen of his white van.

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Filed under One of our own

December 20, 2010

A Christmas visit from the ‘House Doctor’

Christmas is a period of warmth and happiness, uniting communities up and down the land with love and festive cheer.

But apart from all that, Redcar’s bitter neighbourly disputes continue every year without interruption; and let’s face it, that’s going to be far more entertaining.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 15 November 2007:

Redcar Christmas lights under fire again from “House Doctor”

AN ANONYMOUS self-proclaimed “House Doctor” has re-emerged in Redcar to criticise Christmas lights displays.

The Gazette first reported in 2004 how letters from the “House Doctor” criticised as “tacky, common and cheap” festive lights on several houses on Redcar’s Mickledales estate. Residents hit back at the “cowardly” scribe.

Now it seems the writer may have returned, after a letter from the “House Doctor” arrived by post at a house in the Castle Road area.

It was received by a couple who for the past 10 years have added a colourful festive display to the exterior of their home.

But this year their preparations have been soured by the letter, which shows a November 5 postmark, and criticises the “vulgar” lights as an “annual disgrace” and an “eyesore”. The writer also claims residents are “appalled by the stupidity of it” adding all that is missing is the “loud and raucous” music from a “garishly painted showman’s ride”.

Personal comments are also made in the letter, which has saddened the couple.

The female occupant of the house, who asked not to be named, said: “It’s left us really upset. My husband has not been well.”

The ‘House Doctor’ clearly feels such a burning sense of responsibility towards the community that he or she simply cannot allow abstract festive notions like ‘goodwill to all men’ to prevent them from upholding the fundamentals of housing estate aesthetics.

Hats off, I say. A sustained campaign of anonymous letter-writing is clearly the most efficient means of communicating the truth to a mass audience.

But I bet this anonymous House Doctor didn’t bargain for the residents writing back:

A response has also been penned to the “House Doctor” which defends the couple and describes the critic as a “cowardly Scrooge”.  It adds: “This is not a reasoned objection, it is a character assassination. Our lights will go up this year and may bring a smile to some lives, if not yours.”

Both letters have been put on display in a bus stop near the couple’s home and in the window of a nearby newsagent’s shop.

Neighbours support the couple. One said: “People around here are really mad about the letter criticising the lights. We’re all wondering who wrote it.”

The full versions of both letters can be read at the bottom of the article itself.

Merry Christmas Bah humbug to all readers of The Nether Regions.

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Filed under Community spirit, Heartless bastards

December 15, 2010

The plight of Caistor’s tree in a box

From time to time, local newspapers attract people who are prepared to engage in Letters Page War with other correspondents.

In this case, narky oddball Nino Hoblyn of North Street, Caistor, drags the new editor of the Market Rasen Mail into the matter and criticises him for regularly printing the local Tory MP’s letters. He even finds time to squeeze in an accusation of a freemason conspiracy. Excellent work.

Market Rasen Mail, 14 July 2010:

Letter: Other matters do need addressing, starting with Caistor’s boxed tree

EDITOR – Am I the only regular reader of the Market Rasen Mail who is beginning to wonder if the “New Kid On The Block, Paul Fisher” hasn’t been doing some of those funny little deeds with Edward Leigh MP where certain very strange handshakes are done in secret?

Because if the answer to this is “Nay Mr Wilks”, then why may I ask is dear Eddy Leigh slotting his tuppence with each and every week in telling us the reader, things that should be kept to the likes of “Jackanory”.

For how many times does one have to shout before one goes blue in the face, that we have more concerning issues in our own lines of much greater importance, the “Offending tree in a box in Caistor Market Square”.

This man’s apparent fondness for using excessive quotation marks is highly intriguing, but still not quite as intriguing as this “offending tree in a box”. Pray tell, what is the story behind this myserious box-bound woody plant?

Thanks to the work of intrepid Lincolnshire native Anna Holden, we have what some may call a photograph:

Who’d have thought an innocuous white stick in a box could lead to this?:

Oh yes sir! This may seem a most trivial topic to those with no understanding of tree’s but let me please inform you that trees should be planted in the ground and not in a box.

Let’s not forget trees also have feelings and as a humans, a box is for those who no longer live, so why condemn the tree in a box while it still breaths and enjoys gods wonderful planet.

So come on let’s release the tree back into the wild where it will smile for each and everyday of its long life and thus growing leaves more greener and a trunk thicker, will then be saying to all of us “Thanks-you”.

NINO HOBLYN

North Street, Caistor

Oh dear. Yes, the man is a mentalist.

Mind you, you know you’ve done well when your letter manages to tease out an editorial response.

Editor’s Note: The Market Rasen Mail strives to be entirely independent in its coverage of all matters. As MP for our district I feel our readers are interested in Mr Leigh’s views and actions and so the newspaper regularly carries letters from Mr Leigh.

FREEMASON ALERT.

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December 8, 2010

Cows make amok-ery

If you’re in the Sunderland area, watch out…

Thanks to Laura Hammal.

As usual, the local newspaper industry’s most cherished demographic – the ‘drunk yobs’ – get the blame for this act of bovine liberation. No doubt it was an unruly herd of students making their way home from a violent tuition fees demonstration.

Personally, I consider setting free cattle to be a legitimate form of public protest. Direct action is the only option in these desperate times.

6 November 2010:

A FARMER today told of the nightmare he faced after yobs set 135 of his bullocks free and sparked a huge round-up across South Tyneside. One bullock was still missing today and seven have died of shock.

It was initially feared fireworks had spooked the animals, but farm owner Robin Shield today said he believes it was a drunk who opened the cattle shed and set them free.

He said: “The bullocks have just come off their mother’s milk on Wednesday, so they tend to cry a little as they’re being weaned. My guess is some drunk has heard the noise, jumped over the wall and opened the shed.”

Acting Sergeant Reg Atkinson said there were initially 30 officers trying to track down the animals.

He said: “We do get the odd escaped horse or cow in the wrong place, but never anything like this.”

Never anything like this!

Well now you’ve got the fight of your life on your hands, Acting Sergeant Reg Atkinson.

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Filed under Health & safety gone mad

December 6, 2010

Flashers digest

Responsible for the finest 80% of local newspaper content, you have to give it to the flashers. 

So let’s go to our correspondents in the regions where you live for a flasher roundup…

#1: FAT FLASHER in Bromley. Will you ever be able to ascend the stairwell of an NCP car park in the same way again?

Bromley News Shopper, 16 November 2010:

Fat flasher hunted by police

A FAT flasher who exposed himself to a teenage girl in a car park is being hunted by police.

Bromley police are appealing for information after the man appeared completely naked to an 18-year-old in a stairwell of the NCP car park in Simpsons Road, Bromley, on October 28.

A police spokesman said: “At approximately 10.35pm an 18-year-old female was returning to her car when she encountered a male in the stairwell who was totally naked and carrying a red t-shirt.”

He is described as aged around 45, white, around 5′ 9″ tall with a fat build, has very short dark hair and is clean shaven.

What? Completely clean shaven? And what role was the red t-shirt playing in this? The mind boggles. Perhaps he was just caught out while innocently getting changed.

#2: ‘STRANGELY GLITTER-FLECKED’ FLASHER in Middlesbrough:

Evening Gazette, 2 November 2010:

A YOUNG boy has denied fabricating a tale of a bizarre sex act by an alleged “black magician”. The youngster accused Mohammed Anjum of exposing his strangely glitter-flecked private parts to himself and a young girl.

He then claimed the 53-year-old carried out two solo acts on himself in front of the shocked pair.

He is accused of lifting up his traditional robe to reveal a pair of ‘pink knickers’ and glitter-flecked private parts before carrying out the two acts.

‘I thought what a dirty thing he did,’ the boy said.  ‘And I’m looking and he has put glitter on his private parts. It looks like it’s gold and pink glitter.’

#3: FAIRY FLASHER in Redditch: dog walkers are fair game, IMHO.

Birmingham Mail, 2 December 2010:

Fairy flasher strikes in Redditch

POLICE are hunting a man who indecently exposed himself to two female dog walkers dressed as a fairy yesterday morning.

The man who was wearing a fairy-type skirt, fishnet tights, a stripy hat and stripy scarf struck twice in Redditch between 7.20am and 8.05am.

PC Kirsty Dury, of West Mercia Police, said: “The victims were both shaken by the incident. The first victim described the man’s manner as intimidating. The other woman said he was aggressive.”

#4: SILLY LITTLE FLASHER in Kent. The best thing about this story is the reaction of the brave mum (aren’t they always?) who initally views being flashed as a mere inconvenience worthy only of an “oh, for  Pete’s sake…” response.

Kent and Sussex Courier, 12 November 2010:

Victim labels serial flasher ‘silly little boy’

A 51-YEAR-OLD mum who was flashed at by a Hildenborough chef has vowed not to allow him to destroy her trust in strangers.

The woman, who attended college in Tonbridge, labelled 20-year-old serial flasher Sam Simmons a “silly little boy” after he admitted exposing his genitals on two occasions.

He pulled up next to her and she believed he was asking for directions – but as she was talking to him, he exposed his genitalia.

The woman said: “My first thought was, ‘oh, for Pete’s sake’.

“I wasn’t frightened – he’s just a silly little boy. I’m a very open person and I love chatting to strangers on the bus and meeting people. But unfortunately, what happened has affected me.

“Now when strangers approach me, I have that moment of doubt and fear, I think ‘oh, what now?’

What now? A stranger’s genitals in your face every single time, that’s what.

Only a chance courtroom meeting with the flasher’s mother was capable of healing the mental scars of this incident…

“But I don’t want to be like that and I’m fighting against that fear. He’s not going to stop me talking to strangers.

“He wants people to be traumatised by it, and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.”

The woman was present in court on October 12 when Simmons admitted his guilt. By coincidence, she was sat next to his mother.

“She was incredibly upset and bewildered. I introduced myself to her afterwards and we had a nice conversation,” she said.

“The poor woman – she was the real victim in this. Simmons doesn’t realise how many people his behaviour affects.”

Having revealed in her victim impact statement read in court that Simmons wore a “smirk of triumph” as he exposed himself, she added that he wore a similar expression throughout the court case.

She said: “However, when he saw me talking to his mum, that smirk rapidly disappeared.

“Finally, I wiped that smirk off his face.”

Thank you to Gez Daring and Neil Trodden for their ‘smirks of triumph’ while exposing these stories.

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